Engaged But With a Minimal Relationship

Reader’s Question

I have been seeing a woman for a year now and I honestly do care about her. When we started going out about a month later, she said she was ready to have sex so we did. Over the next couple of months we talked about getting engaged and getting married in the future. During this time whenever I would question her about anything she did she would throw tantrums and cry and often throw things at me and even put her hands on me at times. Now keep in mind anything I would ask her would be things such as why are you still sleeping with your kids when they are 12, 11, and nine year olds, all girls? And she has been doing this for 7 years now. I would ask her why does she run off when we are having an important conversation, or even why she hangs up the phone when we are discussing anything about her in a way that needs improving. Whenever we are talking about me needing to improve, there is no problem, and whenever we are having a pleasant conversation no problem.

In May, after being together for four months, I asked her to marry me. She said yes, so we were engaged. When we got engaged she acted as if it were a problem to plan a wedding date. In July, after 6 months of having sex, she said she wanted to stop having sex until we got married. Now mind you we had been having sex since February and she had been pregnant by me twice. She aborted the first child against my wishes and the second child she said she lost. She lives 90 miles away from me and I was willing to relocate for her since she has the kids. The only time she says she can spend time with me is Saturday when the kids’ father comes and gets them; if he doesn’t come, we won’t be together. On the weekdays she never asks me to come down because she says she is too busy with her kids. This I don’t understand — you say you want to be married to a man you don’t make any time for except when it is convenient for you. Now since July I told her I would agree to stop having sex, that I would do the best I can. Needless to say it’s been 7 months. She says she is giving a lot in the relationship but I don’t see it. For the new year she said she would change but when she hears something she doesn’t like she still hangs up, or walks out, or throws her tantrums. I feel as though she’s just using me to have something to do when her kids are gone. She mostly calls from work, hardly ever from home; when she is with her kids because she says she is busy with them. When she does call most of the time they are in bed.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You have found yourself in a restricted, limited relationship. You have been placed on a “maintenance schedule” that allows her to keep her distance from you emotionally, sexually, and socially. This is not an honest engagement from her side. If you think about it, despite her protest of giving a lot, the actual relationship hasn’t moved much from the first few dates. Your contacts with her haven’t increased, the intimacy has decreased, and you are seen only at her convenience.

While she said she will marry you, this is not a we’ll-soon-be-married relationship. Instead, she is using a variety of excuses to justify her behavior — you said something wrong, brought the wrong topic up, needs to be with the kids, etc. She clearly has another agenda — and it may be as simple as only wanting a boyfriend for times when she’s alone.

What you see is what you get — and you’ve got a relationship that really isn’t a relationship. While she maintains a level of drama — two reports of pregnancy with no real evidence of either the pregnancy or the loss, I’d bet — this is actually a way of maintaining the illusion of involvement. You might want to read an article I’ve written entitled Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. She is showing some of the features of an individual who is very manipulative and controlling of others. As for her agenda, assess if you are providing more than a rare dinner date — money perhaps?

I suspect she is keeping you on “back burner” as I mention in my articles. Keeping you on standby allows her to maintain a sense of a relationship with you which requires very little maintenance on her part. It also keeps you close enough for additional support of several kinds if needed. She is operating a completely other life away from you — with you safely on “back burner” 90 miles away. This is not an engagement. I suspect you’ll need to consider moving on.

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