Relationship With Friend of Violent Ex-Boyfriend

Reader’s Question

I recently went out clubbing with some friends and I bumped into my violent ex-boyfriend’s friend. I always got on very well with him, but that night we both got very drunk and I ended up going back to his and having sex. It was amazing, and we both had an extremely good time but we had to agree that it was a one off and couldn’t happen again because of my ex. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I can’t go out with him because it would be too awkward; I just don’t know what to do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From what you describe — “what to do” has already been decided. You have both decided it would be awkward to continue your relationship. As you have experienced, it is difficult to stop thinking about any type of “extremely good time” because such events also include fantasies and good memories. We can continue to make a sound judgment however by also remembering the good and bad aspects of the situation.

People can form and continue relationships in awkward social situations like you describe. However, a one-night-adventure is not a relationship — yet, anyway. I’d accept that you both recognize the situation and have made the decision to save the memory of the event rather than pursue something that may get very awkward. Keep in mind that being a friend of someone who is violent says the individual has a personal tolerance for violence. Non-violent individuals tend to keep away from violent folks. There may be more risk in this fantasy relationship than just being awkward.

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