I Constantly Lose My Friends, But It’s Not My Fault

Reader’s Question

I have a lot of friends, but also I have many friendships that ended. I am constantly thinking about some friends that I had before. For example, I had a very good friend but we had an argument and our friendship ended. I know that it was not my fault but still I feel guilty. Probably, she just stopped calling me. I was trying to keep her as a friend. Now, after those 4 years I feel guilty that I could not keep this relationship. I had many close friends but I was always scared to say that someone can be my best friend. Now I have another minor argument with my other close friend and it was also not my fault. It is hard for me to call first. I am waiting for her move. I know that I do not want to end a friendship. I am so depressed. It starts to control my life and I am more irritable at home and work because of those problems. I am asking myself all the time if this is my fault.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When we feel a friendship ended and it was not our fault — it partially was our fault! Friendships don’t end because of arguments — they end because people don’t communicate, don’t make an effort to repair the relationship, and don’t accept responsibility for their contribution to the crisis. You describe how your friendships start to end with an argument, you feel it’s not your fault, and you don’t contact them because it’s hard for you to call. After an argument, if we wait for friends to make a first move, it’s a clear sign to them that the friendship is over.

The idea of “keeping” a friendship requires work on both parts. It requires frequent contact, social maintenance, and repair of aspects of the relationship that aren’t working well (after an argument). If your automobile starts having engine trouble — it’s not your fault — but if you do nothing it is your decision to let the engine fail and lose the automobile. A good friendship is not about fault, blame, or pride. If we don’t have the courage to contact our friends after an argument, we’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that we were not at fault — but we’ll be alone.

Don’t wait for her move. Make you own move and call her. Try to discuss the friendship, not the topic of the argument. In truth, disagreements and even arguments often strengthen friendships because we improve our friendship skills by working on and repairing each difficulty we encounter.