Can My Unstable Ex-Girlfriend Be Healed?

Reader’s Question

I have an ex-girlfriend who seems to have suffered a lot in life. I met her 2 years after my own divorce and things progressed very quickly. Here’s a short hisotry of her: Born into a fatherless life, lived in an isolated area, mom dies at 17, pregnant herself at 19, week after giving birth finds father in another relationship — daughter born into fathelessness, no strong support around her, pregnant again — gives up to adoption — never related this to me, had some rough relationships (according to her), involved with an abusive person — emotionally and (likely) physically, then me. She is on again off again, push pull — come here go away. She wants to move in with me — never did. Plenty of half truths, lies, unfaithfulness to us, herself. Wants to improve but admittedly stuck in a rut. Hates job, but stays, wants to finish school but just can’t seem to make a decision — yes/no, scared, worried about disappointing me/ aloof, physical health probs — hypertension. Abuser stays in her life and she entrusts her daughter to him — a lot. She’s now 42, and I am 47. She has poor self-esteem, is suspicious, has no goals, etc. Abuser had threatened her and daughter with physical harm. We’ve been apart 13 months, and I can’t completely reconcile this for myself. Occassionally I get a somewhat meaningless mail from her — usually not about us. Sure you’ve heard this before but I think I’ve had a stable upbringing. My question is: I still have feelings and in some way I think she does too. Other than just being here, supportive and positive, what would be the likelihood of her healing, without professional help? Honestly I would be happy for her to accomplish something, anything, even without me.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Based on what you’ve told me, it is most likely that her life will continue in the same direction as in the past. The reason: Millions of people have suffered in life, had abusive upbringing, were motherless/fatherless, etc. Upon reaching adulthood, these individuals make decisions to improve their life and do so, although still haunted by their background at times. In her situation, however, she perpetuates her instability with her own behavior and poor judgment. Adding the half-truths, lies, unfaithfulness, entrusting her daughter to an abuser and you have an individual who may be operating at “survival level” — that is, doing whatever is needed for her to survive. She may also have a personality disorder that creates a state of chronic social and emotional instability due to her personal attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. While sad, she is likely to continue along this path as all the recommendations for improvement — new job, avoid abuse, complete education, etc. — are long-term efforts and she lives by the survive-at-the-minute philosophy.

Individuals who operate in this manner often collect a group of people to use as supporters and providers. Ex-boyfriends and even ex-husbands are often kept on “back burner” in case their support is needed. She is likely to maintain contact with you and continue to report the misery of her life — while making additional decisions that will prolong the misery. From your perspective, this entire situation will be bizarre. You will struggle to try to understand her based on “normal” references, values, and judgment. As odd as it sounds, she actually feels in control of the situation because she is making the contacts and manipulations.

You may want to wish her well but keep a healthy emotional and social distance. Adults who operate in this manner don’t hesitate to place you in personal, financial, or social risk as part of their overall plan to have their needs met.

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