Guilty Feelings About Awakening Sexual Interest

Reader’s Question

I’m a guy aged 28 yrs about to marry a girl aged 25 yrs (arranged marriage). She has completed her B.Tech recently but is looking for job now. A few days back I explained to her the relationship of husband and wife in all manners — i.e., both mental relation and the sexual relation. She accepted and heard the new things excitedly and she is eager to have the physical relation after marriage. She was afraid earlier. In her mind, she had the phobia that marriage means getting physically involved only and that the man was done after doing sex with the girl. But now she is relaxed with the way I have told her that the relation means more than being physically invloved. So she is happy and relaxed that the phyiscal union after marriage shall be according to her only.

But now the problem is that every time she thinks of sex, if she sees any images, posters or girl/boy walking, her vision goes straight to the genitals areas of those people only. She starts visualizing those things in her mind. After this happens she feels guilty about her thoughts. We are not physically involved and have decided to be physically united after marriage, but recently she opened a porn site and saw the porn images (naked images of boys/girls) so she feels guilty of what comes to her mind when she visualizes those things.

I want to know what problem is this? Is this some mental problem or just the disturbance? Do we need to go for some psychiatrist advice?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is not a psychiatric problem. She has been phobic and shy about sexuality and as you described, didn’t have a very good view of sexuality, especially marital sexuality. Your sensitivity and assurance has not only relaxed her about sexuality and your eventual marriage, but she is now curious and interested in sexuality. Her positive view of sexuality and sexual expression has awakened her awareness of sexuality around us — couples kissing, holding hands, music, images, etc. She has even been adventureous to the point of exploring sexuality on the Internet — which can be a problem for anyone.

She is now feeling guilty because her sexuality has been awakened. Imagine an individual who has been blind for years, suddenly has the ability to see! They would be looking everywhere, at everything, and would try to see as many interesting things as possible. The blind person, in their hurry to see interesting sights, may find they have seen some things that make them uncomfortable. This is similar to her situation. She has seen the normal romance and affection of couples — then the harshness of pornography. She has a healthy interest in sexuality but doesn’t know how to control or manage it yet. People who have good vision know what they like to see and what they don’t want to see… Knowing the difference takes experience — in both vision and sexuality.

Sexual interest and even fantasy is very healthy in my culture. I would suggest that you encourage her to focus on healthy sexuality and romance — signs in public that people are in love. Smiles, holding hands, attending to each other, helping each other in activities, etc. Remind her that sexuality and love is all around us but we want a healthy view, not the view on pornographic websites. Also remind her that you will have plenty of time to explore this area of universal interest.