Need Advice on How to Handle My Mother

Reader’s Question

I need advice on how to handle my mother. My husband and I are having financial difficulties and had to borrow money from my parents. I thanked my mother. That was not good enough. She was upset and called my husband an “ungrateful @?!&hole” the day before I was to appear in court to file bankruptcy. She said many horrible things about him and blamed him for my filing bankruptcy. I paid her back part of the loan two days later and told her I would pay back the balance when we receive our tax return. I haven’t spoken to her since. My husband and I have been married 23 years and if anyone is going to rip him to shreds it’s going to be me. Please advise before I lose my mind!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Just like you are defending your husband and are angry that your mother is saying bad things about him, I suspect your mother is angry that you are in the financial situation. She is blaming him for the bankruptcy, lack of financial stability, poor judgment, etc. Your mother is angry that you are in this situation — and she’s taking it out on him. As you approached your court appearance, she became more upset, prompting the outburst.

The situation was upsetting for everyone. When we’re faced with a very difficult social situation, each person responds to it based on their personality and personal perception of the situation. While Mom may have become very angry, your father may have been quietly irritated and not said a word. I’d pay her back with your tax return and slowly allow things to return to semi-normal. She will probably hold a grudge against your husband for years to come. Don’t miss the fact that your parents were there for you, even though they were upset. I’ve always told my children that I’ll come and get them anytime and anywhere they need me… I can’t promise I’ll be in a good mood about it…but I’ll be there.

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