Fantasy and Reality When Considering Marriage

Reader’s Question

I have two questions about one man. The first part is sexually; he can perform forever, until I whisper another male’s name. After this, it’s a matter of seconds for him to peak. He says he always fantasizes about me with other men. I’ve always thought he should be jealous of other men, not want me to stray.

Also, we have a daughter together who is almost two. At first he wanted to give her up, but now he seems to love her, although I cannot understand how a father could do both. He’s talking about moving in together and considering marriage. I’m afraid he won’t be faithful.

What do you think, is it something to be alarmed about, or is it just a fantasy?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There’s a big difference between fantasy and reality. He may have a variety of fantasies, including a fantasy of not wanting to be responsible for a child — but the reality is very different. Sexual fantasies are often very confusing as in this situation. He would likely be very jealous of another man — but his fantasies aren’t jealous. Reality has a way of controlling our fantasies. After visiting the beach, thousands of tourists have a fantasy about leaving their job to return to the beach to rent beach umbrellas…very few do, however.

If you’re afraid he won’t be faithful — your best measure is not his fantasies but his behavior and his history. A person’s behavior is the best indicator of their future behavior. If he has been unfaithful to you over the past years, there is risk in the relationship.