I Can’t Get Over My Husband’s Behavior with Another Woman

Reader’s Question

A few months ago my husband, of 21 years, confessed to me that at a trade show in another state, 7 months prior, he had made out with the woman in charge of everything. The woman that everyone wanted but was too hard to get. He claims that he “just needed to find out if he still had what it takes”. Although she tried to perform oral sex on him he felt, after a few moments of pleasure, that this was going too far. He claims that there was no kissing because that would be too intimate. My husband had no desire for any kind of relationship with this woman but just to answer his burning question. When he told me he was shocked that I wasn’t excited for him in finding out this question and wasn’t I proud of him for showing restraint by not actually having intercourse with her. Well, after demanding a temporary separation (we have 3 kids living at home) and some severe counseling, we are back together and trying to focus on the things that are working in our marriage and not on the things that didn’t work. I just can’t get over it though. I now have to deal with feeling jealous about everything. He says he is sorry that what he did hurt me but isn’t sorry for what he did. He still says that he was under the belief that I had given him some kind of 3000 mile rule. This rule was simply made up in his mind and many professional people who travel convince themselves that if they are 3000 miles away (or far away) it’s okay to “play around”. Of course I never gave him this “permission”. I am not dealing with it very well. Now it is affecting me physically. The acid in my stomach is making me sick and doing damage to my insides. Am I crazy and just need to “get over it and forgive him” or does there seem to be some serious unfinished business here? I don’t hit him over the head with this, it just affects our healing. Our getting close is not happening. When I try to talk to him and get him to see it from my point of view he just quickly brings up past offenses that I have made. By the way, I have never been unfaithful to him. I don’t know what to do. Please advise.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Men often view situations as single events while women often view situations as part of a much larger picture. While he has viewed this event as a type of “masculinity test” — from your viewpoint the experience has shaken the foundation of the 21-year marriage. The situation you describe is not uncommon and your reaction is not excessive in my experience. In a similar situation, when our family home is burglarized we lose that feeling of warmth, safety, comfort, and security the home once provided.

When the foundation of our marriage is shaken, we begin to think about, fantasize, and ponder hundreds of other possible situations. Has this happened before? What did he say to her? Will this happen again? How can he possibly believe there is a 3000 mile rule? This is a major problem that delays healing. What we think — we feel. If we fantasize about jealous thoughts or scenes, the brain changes our chemistry and we feel jealous and insecure, as though the situation actually happened. The more we think, the worse we feel. The worse we feel, the more wear and tear those chemical and physical changes have on our stomach, head, and mental state. The frequent (sometimes almost constant) thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions make up our inability to get over and heal from an traumatic event.

Importantly, this reaction will cause you to constantly replay the mental videotape of your marriage over and over, looking for signs you might have missed, other reasons to be suspicious, other examples of his weird thinking (that 3000 mile thing). You’ll suddenly “discover” unfinished business that might need discussed. In reality, that business was discussed 10 years ago and probably hasn’t been a problem until it was remembered. When this happens, you are actually tormenting yourself. For tips on how to cope with this flood of feelings, I’d read my article on Emotional Memory available on this website.

You’ll find talking to him about the situation of little value. You are probably talking to him with the assumption that there’s lots more to the situation…and there probably isn’t. The more he tries to defend this indefensible situation, the more goofy his responses become (3000 mile rule!). The goofy responses then upset you more. Now he’s run out of all defenses so he’s bringing up old marital history — all of which is irrelevant to the current situation.

To heal, you need to have an understanding with him — probably not a discussion of the event. You’ll both need:

1. An understanding that his behavior was inappropriate, hurtful, and almost cost him the marriage.
2. An understanding that you need to feel safe and secure in the future for the relationship to heal and improve.
3. An understanding that there are no 3000 mile rules, no “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas”, etc. There are only the agreements made in the marriage — not on the road.
4. An understanding that rather than defend himself, he needs to sincerely apologize and work to repair the marriage.

You may also want to consider that you may now have a type of depression due to this situation. If you can’t sleep, have crying spells, having racing thoughts, etc. — you may be depressed. Review a few of the articles on depression on this website. If you are depressed, seek consultation with your family physician. An individual counselor/therapist for you might also be considered.