19 Year Old Daughter Lies and Steals from Parents

Reader’s Question

I have a 19 year old daughter who lies about everything and steals from us. She has a boyfriend that is not very nice. Where do we begin with her? Her boyfriend is leaving for boot camp is just a few days.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When we have a young adult who lies and steals from the family, several situations may be present. First, she may be showing the early signs of a personality disorder. If this is true, she will probably continue to lie, steal, cheat, con, and manipulate her way through life. Your best defense is to protect yourself from her if this is the case — keep little money around, lock up your medications, etc. If she has a personality disorder, her behavior will have been going in this direction for several years.

Second, she may be acting this way as a direct result of having an antisocial boyfriend. Young women who have a relationship with antisocial or “loser” boyfriends often find themselves lying about their behavior, stealing for money at their boyfriend’s request, etc. Many women who are incarcerated are in prison due to their complicity with antisocial and criminal males. If this situation is present, you may get a break when he goes to boot camp although unfortunately, folks with personality disorders often don’t make it through boot camp. Boot camp requires team thinking and cooperation and personality disorders are totally selfish.

Lastly, she may be going through one of those “phases” in her maturity. If this bad behavior came on suddenly and would be considered uncharacteristic or “this is not like her to do this”, then it may be a passing phase.

You’ll need to set firm boundaries with her. Provide only so much help/support and don’t fall for manipulations. Keep in mind that when you deny her demands, you’ll hear about how you didn’t raise her correctly during her childhood, how you were bad parents, etc. Adults who lie and steal always have strong feelings of resentment and bitterness that allow them to justify their abuse of others.