Boyfriend Has a History of Abusing His Girlfriends

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 6 months now but have known each other for about 2 years. While together, I found out he physically abused his exes. He says he’s trying to better himself and control his temper. I know that he’s genuinely trying because we’ll have fights where, had this been in the past, I would have been hit. Instead he’ll walk it off until the temper fades. What I want to know is can a past abuser actually NOT abuse anymore? What are the stats on this? Am I walking in dangerous territory? I didn’t know him when he was abusive but because we are good friends, I want to end the romance (if necessary) in order to salvage that friendship. Please help.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Individuals who physically abuse their partners remain at-risk for future physical abuse. You are walking in dangerous territory. In your situation, you’ll need to remember that emotional difficulties (depression, anxiety, stress), the use of alcohol/drugs, and situations similar to previous assaultive episodes increase his risk for physical abuse. Learn to recognize the early signs of impending physical abuse such as emotional distress, pacing, threatening, loud voice, red face, yelling, etc. It’s important that the two of you develop an agreed-upon signal (a hand time-out sign works well) that says the discussion is moving out of control. Use the signal when the early warning signs surface. You might also suggest that he seek mental health help for his anger/temper issues.

As you suspect, there is some risk to you in this relationship. If you feel the temper and physical aggression can’t be managed, then ending the romance aspect of the relationship is a good option.

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