How Can a Group of Friends Help an Irresponsible Member?

Reader’s Question

I have a wonderful group of friends that have been friends for a long time now. We range in ages from 18-26. With the new year we’ve all pretty much decided that it is time to grow up, get careers, settle down in life. This particular group is male dominant, myself being the only female. One of our friends is just beyond lazy. He sleeps until all hours of the day and barely makes it to his job every day. He’s not dependable, and doesn’t even do his laundry, or clean his house. He just doesn’t take care of himself or his surroundings, period! He’s a compulsive liar and very dependant on his mother. He’s 21 yrs of age and can’t let go. He is very obese and uses food for comfort. As his friends we’ve tried everything we can think of from talking to him, to just ignoring him period to make him realize thats he’s never going to get the things he wants in life if he doesn’t grow up. We are fresh out of ideas and don’t want to see our friend hurt himself (or worse even kill himself) over something that could be so simple. What can we do to help him?

Thank you oh so much for any suggestions you might have,
Lost Friend

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You and your friends will need to move on in life without him. Sad but true. Your group has outgrown and outmatured him. In truth, he’s not that uncomfortable with his lifestyle. He has developed a high tolerance for a substandard lifestyle. He has developed a dependent personality (psychiatrically speaking) and dependent lifestyle. Such individuals elicit support and sympathy from those around them, especially their mother. It’s likely that he and his mother have an acceptance and an understanding that he will remain her “adult child” and not leave, in exchange for no chores or adult responsibilities around the home.

When in a group of friends, we typically don’t notice these out-of-group relationships. When the group moves on, however, individuals who aren’t fully mature can’t move on with the rest of the crowd. Your crowd has always given him a wide tolerance for his irresponsibility, lying, and lack of adult motivation. As you now move toward a healthy adult life, his situation becomes very obvious. Importantly, this is not likely a significant psychiatric difficulty. Rather, it’s a life choice. He’s dependent, not suicidal. On the plus side, he may eventually grow out of this dependency…but it will be at his schedule, not the group’s.

As your group continues on the healthy path, you can monitor this individual, inviting him to get-togethers, emails, etc. Remain accessible to him if he needs additional support. Don’t reject him, but at the same time don’t tolerate his irresponsible behavior such as lying. You’ll find the gap between this individual and the group growing larger as time passes. This is life. Like you, I had a wonderful group of friends at that age. Of about twelve of us, we had two casualties, one of them remaining on a bar stool for the next 30+ years. The rest of us had to leave him there…we couldn’t stay. Over time, he can always be your “old friend”, but probably not a current friend.