Powerful Intimacy Once a Week…Should There Be More?

Reader’s Question

I’m 19 years old. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now and I often find myself contemplating whether the emotions I feel are normal or if it’s the powerful feeling of intimacy surpassing my judgement. I feel as though I love and care about him, yet I find myself wondering if there should be more to our relationship. We see each other around once a week and our conversations usually do not exceed the usual small talk. Our sexual connection is very strong and affection is not a problem. We occasionally go out, but 95% of our time together is spent cuddling, laying in bed or watching TV. Should we have to go out and do activities together to be able to get to know each other? Or is laying around being intimate enough to find love within the relationship? We know one another fairly well, get along great and we never fight. He treats me well, cares about me and always compliments me. Everything seems wonderful but to have a healthy relationship, is it necessary to go out and do activities together such as hobbies, sports, school, dates…etc? He wants to get serious and I’m trying to figure out if it’s real love that I’m feeling or if it’s intimacy playing games with my mind.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Let’s see…seeing each other once a week, mostly small talk, strong intimacy, no activities. You are right to be concerned. This is a very limited relationship — actually mostly sexual in nature. While he says he wants to get serious, this relationship has remained very limited and restrictive. You are correct that a relationship must also work “off the couch” — in dating, shopping, the movies, sports, school activities, etc. There definitely should be more to this relationship. While the weekly feeling of intimacy is strong, that’s all you are sharing at this point. You’re not involved in his life and he’s not involved in yours.

This is a healthy intimate relationship — but not a healthy romantic relationship. You must consider:

1. Is there some reason he is limiting your involvement in other aspects of his life?
2. Why hasn’t the relationship moved from one night a week?
3. Why hasn’t the relationship spread out into other aspects of both lifes such as school, friends, activities, etc.?

At this point, you are on a schedule. If the relationship doesn’t soon move beyond one night a week on the couch/bed, then it’s not likely to ever be a healthy full relationship. I suspect he’s keeping his personal life somewhat secret from you for whatever reason. If the situation doesn’t move toward a normal relationship — I certainly wouldn’t be discussing being “serious” with him because the relationship is only sexually serious at this time — not socially or emotionally serious.