Dating a Dependent Personality

Reader’s Question

I have dated a guy for four years. He is sixteen years younger than me, yet in many ways acts one hundred years older than me. Not until I had dated him for awhile did I realize he still lived at home with his mom and dad. He said he had never had a job that paid well enough to get out. He also has OCD and depression. Big deal. I don’t mean to sound heartless, but to me, that’s life and you deal with handling these issues and continue to survive. I have tried to be supportive to him and assist him. We have had some great times. Yet recently, he kept telling me about a tax audit where he felt he didn’t owe the taxes. I looked at his papers and discovered a mistake which would have gotten him more money. He said he wanted to meet with the IRS. I told him, “you have two choices, you can pay what you don’t owe, or you can meet with them to show them the correct information proving they owe you money”. I told him I would type him a letter and print it for him to send in. He was all for it. The next night, I called him and he said, ” I’ve changed my mind, I’m going to pay the taxes”. I couldn’t believe it! I said, ” Someone’s said something haven’t they?” He said, “Yes, I’m going to pay them and quit bothering people. It’s making me sick and I’m going to pay them”.

In my opinion, he went home and told his mom and dad about the taxes (again), and they told him to shut up and pay it and quit bothering them about it. Now, in their defense, I’m sure they are sick of hearing about his taxes. That’s his problem, not theirs. But they seem to do this a lot with him. Even if he is correct, they expect him to pay anyway, not to cause trouble. They did this with some hospital bills he didn’t owe, and I got the Better Business Bureau on it and it proved he was again correct.Yet, they told him to shut up about it and pay the bills.
He didn’t call for three days. I finally called him, and asked him what was going on. He said he thought I was mad at him and so he hadn’t called. I feel he was ashamed to face me, when he allowed his mom and dad to make a wrong decision for him and not having the guts to stand up and say, NO. Again, in defense of his family, it was his problem, and his decision alone. It seems he has been taught he has to allow them to decide about issues of his life or suffer consequences from them. I feel he’s in an abusive situation, since childhood. I also feel in his choice to allow others to decide for him, eliminates his responsibility in life for his life. He always has someone to blame.

I wouldn’t have believed a lot of this stuff, if I hadn’t heard it for myself from his own mom. She looked at him in front of me and his dad and said, “You should call your mother everyday, cause it could be the last time you hear from her” I almost passed out! I asked him if he liked that bucket of guilt she poured on him, ha. She also told me while we were alone, ” He’s not lazy, he’s sick”.

In my opinion, he’s sick because since a young age she has taught him to be sick in order to control him. He is an intellegent man, yet he is dying because of guilt of feeling responsible for mom, dad, sis, etc., feeling he isn’t capable of making an intellegent decision, etc. I think this is the cruelest form of abuse and control. He knows this and I feel doesn’t have the guts to stand up. There again, is not my problem, stay there till you die or maybe kill one of them, don’t involve me anymore. I will not tolerate disrespect or inconsiderate behavior in order for you to be in my life. And I ended the relationship.

What do you feel happened after he left my home that changed his mind on this issue? I have supported him during the four years I’ve dated him, but will not be slapped in the face when doing so. Nor do I feel his parents should be treated in this manner. But, I feel his mom is an enabler that has to have total control over him and has also taught him he is incapable of making correct decisions about his life. But I also know, he allows this, even though he hates it, HE ALLOWS IT. Due to what? Fear of losing their love or his facing the responsibility for his own life? It makes both him and his mother look bad and it’s killing both of them.

But not my problem. I do not and will not have someone in my life that needs me to control them or make decisions for them. I would want a man that is capable of doing this without asking mommy or daddy.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’ve probably had a relationship with a Dependent Personality Disorder. Folks with DPD:

1. have difficulty making decisions without excessive advice/support,
2. need others to assume responsibility in major areas of their life,
3. have difficulty disagreeing with other due to fear of a loss of support or approval,
4. have difficult initiating their own activities and projects,
5. go to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance/support, and
6. feel uncomfortable or helpless when alone due to exaggerated fears of being unable to care for themselves

(Source: DSM IV).

When we encounter DPD in relationships, they are always living at a level (social, job, financial, etc.) beneath their true capabilities, typically dependent on someone for support, and have a variety of excuses for their current status. They frequently have little or no history of independent living, often live with relatives, never accept a job that makes enough money to where they would be encouraged to have their own place to live, consciously or subconsciously undermine efforts to make them more independent or competent, and accept decisions of their supporters even if it is to their disadvantage (paying undue taxes, bills, etc.).

From a relationship standpoint, this is likely both a personality and a lifestyle. From his view, he has been maintaining a relationship with two “Moms”. In my experience you are completely correct when you observed that Mother is an enabler and helps him to not only maintain his dependency…but his inadequacy as well. What we may not be seeing on the surface is the benefits of maintaining this relationship for “Mom”. By maintaining his dependence, Mom always has a child to take care of…a job to do…and she will never worry about being alone. Her major worry is the intrusive influence by other women that enter his life. She would have viewed you as a threat to the lifestyle they’ve created. His age would be irrelevant…you’re still trying to take “her boy”.

In the long term, this is probably a no-win for you. While he vocalizes a dislike for the dependent lifestyle, he doesn’t dislike it that badly. Not bad enough to change and risk his current lifestyle of few demands, few responsibilities, and being taken care of by loving others. Dependent individuals are active and passive participants in their dependency, enabling the situation as much as the enablers that surround them.