Is There a Healthy Way to Tell My Husband I’m Disappointed in Him?

Reader’s Question

Thank you for providing this service. I have been married for almost 21 years, with five children, ages 20 to 2. My husband was a drinker for years, till a serious illness ended that 2 years ago. He has always been a workaholic, was a rage-aholic, then attended some sort of conference for business about 5 years ago and it helped him a great deal in this area. He is very unemotional, or rather, unable to share his emotions. He can be quick to anger. The kids and I tend to “leave him alone”. I am very happy with my children, love being with them and around them. I have done a pretty good job as the first one is at a top university, 2nd one ready to graduate with honors. Hubby has not particpated much in the parenting. He has traveled a great deal.

We are in the process of considering a relocation for his job. Last year, he did not get the big promotion he expected. Moving will be financially an extreme hardship, as we live in a blue-collar midwestern state, to a larger metropolis. I now see my husband as a loser. We have had two years of financial difficulty and several health crises, including a diagnosis of a chronic illness for our teen-age son. It is slowly wiping us out. Hubby does not participate in daily life at home, shopping, bill-paying, taking care of kids,etc,. When he returns from traveling, he lies on the couch and watches tv, or naps. He can be short and mean to the older kids, somewhat impatient with the younger two.

Snce he has put all of his eggs in his career basket, and that is not working out, I have no respect for him. We have been to counseling together (and me separately) more than once, and we’ve been on a couple of marriage retreats. I have asked him to read books with me, etc. He is not really interested, although he says he is.

I can’t shake feeling like he’s just such a loser. I certainly didn’t marry him for money but that is all he has ever contributed to our marriage. I’ve been left alone to raise the kids and do everything else so his efforts have been futile and I am really resenting, even hating him for it.

I am not ready to re-enter the workforce until the two toddlers are a little older. I intend to get another degree and know I am capable. I want to scream “LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” to him at the top of my lungs. He has always been pretty egotistical at home, was waited on hand and foot by his 3 sisters growing up. I tend to be a nurturer and caregiveer, so he reaps the benefits of this part of my personality. We have discussed divorce in the past, but I do not have “an exit strategy”. I am worn out with anxiety and worry over my family’s future and blame him for much of it.

Is there a healthy way to tell him how disappointed I am in him? He has been very worn out and worried over his job woes. He seems paralyzed with something that keeps him from moving on. He is extremely good at what he does, is very bright, a visionary and ultra hard-working, but he uses all of that energy at work and so has none/little left for us.

Is it just time for me to move on? Hubby had married parents for 42 years (till dad died). My parents divorced when I was 13. Am I unrealistic to keep holding on to a relationship that actually brings very little in the way of positive enrichment in my life? Thank you.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Hubby isn’t the only one who has all his eggs in one basket. Both of you have made decisions that not only created this highly-stressful family/marital situation, but keep it going. Things aren’t going well for Hubby and his career, forcing a possible relocation and severe financial stress. Despite the severe financial difficulties over the past two years, you have refused to return to work until you feel the time is right. Many of these issues have been present for many years at this point. When our stress level increases, our normal personality and behaviors are then amplified — resentments turn into open hostility, behaviors that were always irritating are now impossible to tolerate, that kind of thing. In your current high-stress situation, there is very little teamwork here — no team strategies to deal with the financies, cope with the relocation, or care for the children.

In reality, you both are highly disappointed and resentful of each other. You both blame each other for the situation, not contributing help, and not trying to improve life in the home. As a couple, you’re like two survivors fighting each other in the only lifeboat. Is there a healthy way to tell him you are disappointed…he probably knows that. You are both upset and disappointed to be in this situation. It’s very possible that you are both becoming overwhelmed by the stress of recent events — including children in college and recent health issues. While your marriage may have multiple issues that would make you consider divorce, I would recommend a focus on stabilizing your family at this time. A depression is quite likely here, in both of you. When depressed, our brain replays the history of our difficulties and amplifies any resentment and bitterness present.

I have a sense that you and your husband are almost immobilized and incapacitated by the level of stress. I would recommend counseling and if depressive symptoms are present, possible consideration for treatment. This is a dangerous time for all of you. You and Hubby will need a strategy to manage the stress, share responsibilities, and positively deal with the multiple issues present. Being resentful and bitter will not improve your situation at this time.