Should I Support a Boyfriend Who Has Thoughts of Killing Me?

Reader’s Question

I have been in a relationship about 5 years. He has just acknowledged the fact that he is an alcoholic and that he needs help. He also wants to seek help with a psychiatrist because he thinks that he may be depressed and have other contributing mental problems. Currently, his job has been a burden on him because of its long hours and his family and himself are going through a “family drama” right now because his mother is not in the picture recently. She has had an ongoing drug (maybe also mental) addiction to Meth and is creating havoc as she has hallucinations, says terrible things, acts psychotic. This seems to be affecting my boyfriend differently than his other family members as he is very distraught over his deteriorated relationship with his mother and worried about what will happen to her as she is homeless now.

Besides all of this, my boyfriend has just admitted to me that when he drinks, he sometimes hears voices in his head telling him to kill me. He states that he loves me and would never act on these thoughts, but that he does find it hard to be around me when he drinks or is afraid to be around knives because of these thoughts. He states these have been recurring thoughts and he is very distressed about this fact. He also admitted, about two years ago, that he slashed my tires in a drunken state when we had gotten into a fight. He says that he was so angry at me that he pretended the tires were me. This has all come to a crisis as he is now having physical symptoms that may be from underlying psychological issues. He genuinely wants to seek psychiatric help as he does not want this relationship to end, and nor do I. I do love him and would like to support him on his recovery. Is it wrong to stay with him while he gets the help that he needs?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It seems from your question that this situation has been going on at some level for the past five years. Despite this fact, including slashing your tires and thoughts of killing you, he remains at the “wants to seek psychiatric help” stage. This is a high-risk relationship for you, one not likely to have a positive outcome. One rule — Talk is Cheap. You must go by his behavior rather than his promises or wanting to seek help. Behavior is how a person is, not what they tell us. It’s very common for alcoholics, abusers, drug addicts, etc. to “want to seek” help or to offer promises of a better future. In your situation, it’s getting worse…and he continues to drink.

While it’s not wrong to support him in his recovery, you must think about supporting and protecting yourself as well. The combination of violent thoughts when drinking, his continued drinking, and his history of vandalism hasn’t stopped his drinking. This tells us he’s more invested in drinking than in you or the relationship. If you want to support him, I’d do that in a way that keeps you safe and protected — a strategy of “support at a safe distance”. This may include placing the relationship on probation with requirements for:

1. an alcohol treatment program,
2. psychiatric treatment,
3. no contact with he is drinking,
4. phone calls rather than drop-by visits to see how he’s doing, etc.

Alcohol use amplifies whatever moods are present and in depressed individuals, often triggers thoughts of violence and/or self-harm.

Relationships like this have tons of drama…so much so that we often forget that our life is wrapped up in the theatrics. Many years can pass and we find ourselves still caught up in the drama of alcoholism — with our life at a standstill. If he’s not made a significant improvement over the next several months, you may need to evaluate your future in this relationship. If he hasn’t changed or it’s getting worse, it will be more of the same (or worse) for the next five years.

I would recommend reading my articles on Identifying Losers in Relationships and Love and Stockholm Syndrome on this website. The behaviors you describe are often the tip of the iceberg and you may actually see additional behaviors in the Loser article. In the Stockholm Syndrome article, you may find some understanding of why you continue in a relationship that is now becoming dangerous for you.