Regressive Behavior in Children

Reader’s Question

I have a 9 year old son who for the past 2 months seems to be regressing. He is having trouble sleeping and seems to have become more clingy to me. He has 3 night lights in his room but insists on leaving the TV on to fall asleep. Nothing has changed in our home and I e-mailed his teacher at school to see if he is acting differently or if there are any problems there. Other than his homework coming back sloppy, she did say he’s not following directions. I’ve tried talking to him but he won’t let on to anything bothering him. What else can I do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Children can feel and experience all the emotions that adults do — except they can’t label or articulate them. As an adult you can discuss the difference between being frustrated and being aggravated. Children are simply “upset” and don’t know how to talk about it, pinpoint what’s causing it, or label it.

When children experience stress, it’s often seen in a group of “regressive behaviors”. A regressive behavior is a return to an earlier level of maturity. In your son, he has “regressed” in age several years. Typical regressive behaviors include clinging behaviors, fear of the dark, sleep problems, baby talk, bedwetting, crying spells, separation anxiety, thumb-sucking, etc.

When we see these behaviors in our children, they are typically experiencing stress of some kind. As you have done, we check with the teachers regarding school-related concerns. We also imagine our home and marriage from a video-camcorder perspective — that is, is the child witnessing more marital arguments, has he overheard an adult conversation, etc.? We review recent issues or stressful events…is an adult physically ill, been in the hospital, has there been a recent funeral? Has the child experienced any recent trauma — automobile accident, adult temper tantrum, etc.?

We can also talk to the child but be prepared for his limited understanding of emotions. Try to identify basic feelings — is he feeling sad or near tears frequently, is he scared of something or someone, is he worried about something in the future, is he worried about his health, etc.? Keep in mind that adults live with a lot of assumptions that children don’t have as when a parent says “These bills are killing me!” — the child may take that literally.

Assuming most regressive behavior is a reaction to an emotional experience, these behaviors gradually disappear with parental support. I’d look for the issues I’ve mentioned, provide support, and keep talking to him. Over the next few weeks he’s likely to casually mention some of his issues. When this happens, don’t jump on it but rather casually and calmly discuss his concerns.