Daughter Refuses to Work or Contribute to Her Family

Reader’s Question

My daughter is 34 with 3 children, ages 15, 13, and 10. I have never been able to get her to work. This is her second marriage and this husband works like a dog. I bought a home for them to live in, because, quite frankly, I worry about the children being drug around from place to place. The problem is that I got a really good deal on this home and all I ask is for them to pay the minimal cost of $600 a month. The husband is in agreement, but unfortunately, he is doing all he can do. I have asked, (and the husband has asked…begged, pleaded, etc.) her to get a job to make just enough to take the pressure off of her husband and work a few hours a week while the children are in school to pay for either the mortgage or the groceries. Not asking much, right? Wrong! She absolutely refuses to work under any conditions! All she wants to do is go to school on the computer. Well this is fine well and good, but if she is never going to leave the house, what is the point? She claims she is Agoraphobic…I think she is selfish, self-centered, and depressed. I think she has been at home for so long now that the thought of leaving the house is scary to her. Her husband has advised me that he can’t take much more of the stress. She is so absorbed in the computer that all else falls to the wayside. She has a counselor, but she has only said what I am saying now…Less computer, more outside activity. Her husband told her that he needed some help with the few bills they have or he was going to have to leave her. She told him to go ahead and leave. He asked her how in the world she would support herself and the children, and she said she would go to work. He said, “well, why don’t you go to work now so we don’t have to go through all of this?” and she says, “Whatever”. I am at a loss. When I ask her why she doesn’t get out of the house for some stimulation, to earn some money, to make things easier on herself, the kids, and her husband, etc., all she says is “I know. I know, mom.” Then NOTHING!! Both of my children have been a pain in my side since birth, but there is more at stake with this child. There are three children that I love dearly and don’t want them to be drug from pillar to post. Do you have any advice that you think would help at all???? Quite frankly, I am nearing retirement and the little money I have won’t go very far and it certainly won’t pay for two households.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Several clinical situations can produce the situation seen in your daughter. First is a Personality Disorder (PD). An individual with a personality disorder is typically near-totally selfish, accepts no responsibility for their behavior, blames others, has an incredible sense of entitlement, and resists any demand to function as a responsible adult. A PD is a life-long situation, creating an individual who is only interested in their needs and demands being met. They typically have little or no concern for how their behavior encumbers the lives of those around them.

Another clinical condition is a depressive, anxiety, or agoraphobic disorder. These are neurotransmitter disorders and as such, would be accompanied by the physical signs of anxiety and depression such as sleep problems, chronic fatigue, poor appetite or overeating, poor concentration, fretfulness, crying spells, depressed mood, social withdrawal, etc. In Agoraphobia, the individual can’t leave the house without experiencing significant anxiety. In your daughter, she clearly has a depressed, agoraphobic lifestyle where she is immobilized and unable to act in her best interests. Her comment that she doesn’t care if her husband leaves is more depressive than PD. A true PD would make attempts at manipulating the husband. Depressed folks have the “I don’t care” attitude which is actually a form of self-destructiveness.

Lastly, your daughter may have a type of Internet addiction. In her very limited lifestyle, her lifestyle on the Internet may be serving as a very vibrant alternative. Passive and dependent in the home, she may be receiving her emotional needs from the Internet so family, income, and job are not needed.

This is a difficult situation for everyone involved. While she is receiving counseling, it’s likely that her counselor is receiving a restricted picture of her lifestyle. Her husband might volunteer to join her in the counseling although I would imagine that idea would be rejected. It might be interesting to emphasize that she needs a job or outside activity in order to keep her internet connection. If she has the physical signs of depression, it might be helpful to encourage her to discuss depressive symptoms with her counselor and/or physician.

The major clinical issue is her near total comfort with her very limited lifestyle. From her standpoint, she’s comfortable doing nothing. Family and friends are demanding that she leave her comfort and enter the world of employment and responsibility. It’s like leaving a warm bed on a very cold morning. She’s likely to be very resistive, even to the point of losing her marriage.