Boyfriend of Two Years Keeps Me at a Distance

Reader’s Question

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We work together and live right down the street from each other. Through the week after work we watch TV together almost every night. Week-ends we go out to eat and to the movies and on Sunday we’ve just started going to church where his Mother goes. The deal is that I’m just not sure where we are headed. He doesn’t talk about his feelings like some men don’t but he believes that the things he does should be proof enough. He has never told me that he loves me. I’ve told him a few times and the reason I don’t say it as much as I would like is because if it’s said too frequently then he thinks that I’m trying to convince myself that I love him. Does this make any sense? Also, he’s 46 and has never been married. He’s really an amazing man although he doesn’t like for me to say things like that about him. He says he’s just an average Joe but to me he’s so much more but again he thinks I’m overreacting. On the holidays I don’t attend his family dinners!?? Now I have met most of his family and we go to his Mother’s every Sunday night after the movie but I don’t do the dinners. I think he thinks if we do the family dinner thing then it’s automatic that the next step is marriage…what do you think? He knows that his Mother wants us to stay together and has even introduced me as her “soon to be daughter-in-law”. Do you think that a person is capable of showing something that he can’t say?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Let’s see…46 y/o, never married, voices few feelings, no family dinners, strong attachment to his mother, etc. My guess is that you’re his best female friend. While his mother may have future plans, it would seem that your boyfriend has you on a schedule that has been fairly stable for the past two years. If he’s not been married at 46 y/o he’s probably very comfortable with his current lifestyle and is unlikely to see a need for change. He’s keeping you at a distance with his family (no family dinners after two years!) and may be avoiding any implication that marriage is a possibility. He’s also keeping you at an emotional distance.

Where the relationship is headed — probably just more of the same with no significant changes. You’ve entered the stage where little change can be expected from this point. If we think about it, we hear about this type of relationship — couples who have been “engaged” for 15 years. In such situations, I often recommend placing the relationship on probation, perhaps for six months. If significant changes don’t occur, I’d make plans to move on. You’re the one who is uncomfortable in the relationship — not the boyfriend. He has the best of all worlds — limited responsibility, a great girlfriend on a schedule, Mom on a schedule, etc. At this time, the relationship is operating at his convenience.

Rate this post?

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

 Loading ...