My Mother Won’t Speak To Me

Reader’s Question

I want to know how I should deal with a problem I am having. My Mother will not speak with me. In a moment of anger and frustration while on the phone with her I called my brother a “piece of s***” for not sending his children a Christmas present or even a card. He drives a Bentley and lives on the water in Florida. Now my Mother will not answer the phone when I call. We used to speak 3-4 times a day and we picked her up and took her to brunch almost every Sunday. I made sure that my niece and nephew had a great holiday with our family and presents to unwrap and enjoy.

I can’t imagine not speaking with my children for any reason. Please let me know if you have a suggestion of how best to handle this. By the way I am 50 and the oldest of 3. Thank you very much.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your mother is apparently in denial that her son is a…well, probably Narcissistic Personality. She may be painfully aware that her son is selfish and ignoring his parental responsibility — but you confronted her with the fact. You brought the reality to her attention. A confrontation, by definition, is a demand for action, responsibility, and change. Your mother may recognize but not know what to do about the situation. But obviously, she’d rather not have it brought to her attention. From her standpoint, her oldest child is demanding that SHE take responsibility for her son’s behavior and solve the situation. Mother is now likely overwhelmed by both the reality of his behavior and her own guilt for not saying something, confronting him, or compensating for his irresponsibility with the children as you have done. In my experience, most larger families have a designated responsible adult (You!) and a designated incompetent or irresponsible adult (Brother!).

You are doing what normal, healthy people do. You are improving the life of the niece and nephew, keeping them in the family, recognizing that your bother is who he is, and taking action. Your mother is now uncomfortable around you and will be uncomfortable for a while. To repair the relationship, continue to make calls on a scheduled basis — every Weds and Sunday for example. When she eventually picks up the phone, don’t rehash the earlier conversation. Don’t talk about your brother, that piece of…Narcissistic Personality. Keep in mind that your mother needs you as well. She’s has hurt feelings and is keeping her distance to heal up. Allow that to happen and the relationship will likely return to normal over time.