Husband Creates Problems When Everything is Going Well

Reader’s Question

My husband comes from a background where his parents fought constantly at night and he would have to get between them and then get up the next day for school. We have been married for almost 4 years and EVERY time things are going well between us, he will do something to cause a problem. His most recent was having a sexual conversation with someone from his past over email.

He swears he will change his ways but I don’t think he can unless he figures out WHY he ruins things when they are going so well (like a self sabatoge). I NEED and WANT and LIKE things going well so I’m not the one or the type to screw things up. If we can FIX this ONE problem in our marriage, all of the other problems may get better. I’m close to walking out because I can’t take the ups and downs.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Many individuals have a childhood background that includes constant fighting, frequent drama, and emotional turmoil. To cope with living in this type of environment, we often develop a high tolerance for turmoil and drama as a child — almost as a survival strategy in the home. As an adult, we continue to have this high tolerance for turmoil and drama. When things are peaceful and going well, this individual often engages in self-defeating behaviors such as you describe — sometimes because they feel too confident/safe, sometimes because of boredom, and sometimes because an opportunity presents itself.

The marital issue is difficult for them to understand. When this high turmoil/drama person marries an individual from a normal, loving, healthy background — they often have difficulty understanding the intensity of your distress. After all, their parents fought everyday and still stayed together! For him, the ups and downs are “normal” and the marital discussions and discord are something he feels will gradually calm down — just like they did in his childhood. He may have a limited ability to understand why you would be on the verge of walking out for this reason.

I would recommend marital counseling. Obviously, his tolerance in many areas is much wider than yours, something that will continue to create problems in the relationship until resolved.