We Can Go Days Without Speaking

Reader’s Question

My wife and I can honestly go days without speaking — mainly her because when she has an attitude I try to avoid annoying her further even if I was not the cause of the problem. But our sex life is horrible; we may have sex once a month at best. And when we do have sex there is no emotion in it, and I feel a let down afterwards knowing it’s going to be a long time before I get any again. We have my 4 year old stepdaughter still sleeping in bed with us, and I feel that is my wife’s protection from not having sex with me. I do everything in my power to please her, whether it be taking her out to a movie, seeing a football team she likes (which I hate) or missing my team’s playoff game to take her to a concert! I feel like I am less of a man nowadays doing whatever it takes to please her and getting nothing from her in return. I may get a kiss once a month and usually never at sex. I feel like I am her roommate and not her husband. And when I confront her about this she blows me off, or gets mad about the situation. I’ve even got I make her feel bad saying these things to her no matter how gently I put them. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and she clears the history off the computer which makes me thinks she is cheating. And in the process of my longest dry spell I almost cheated myself, but I decided against and came home to the woman I love. Not only did I not get so much as a kiss but when I rubbed her back she moved away from me. I think my marriage is heading for divorce because I am a very sexual person, and she knows how often I used to have sex before her. Any advice other then divorce her would be appreciated.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you suspect, this situation doesn’t look good. Every final decision to divorce has hundreds of little divorces that have gone before. These little divorces are small detachments of a physical, emotional, spiritual, and social nature. Partners gradually grow apart, separate, and refuse to communicate. In your situation, you are both miserable. While you miss the sexual intimacy in the relationship, I sense that you wife views your romantic overtures are a form of pressure to perform on demand. For this reason, she has physically/emotionally detached and now sleeps with a romantic inhibitor and bodyguard. Sadly, like you, she has no idea how to improve the situation.

Your focus on the sexual aspect of the relationship is obviously pushing her away. In a way, both of you may be considering leaving the relationship. For this reason, I’d recommend marital counseling. In counseling, you can explore the options for your marriage and if repair is possible. With a four year old stepdaughter, your marriage is fairly new. It’s best to determine if this marriage has worked out for both of you before you continue to live in misery.

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