Cannot Understand My Ex-Boyfriend Loser

Reader’s Question

Not only was I involved with someone who meets the criteria of a Loser…he was madly in love with me the minute he laid eyes on me, asked me to marry him within a week, told me I was amazing, only to swing to “you’re just a workaholic, you know nothing about intimacy” (he didn’t have a job, a home or a penny to his name at age 48). He ended up striking me on 3 occasions and breaking some of my things etc., etc., with the classic tears and regrets the next day. At that point I said enough and within 2 weeks he was living with someone else who was the “love of his life” — he later hit her, owes her money, as he does me, and then tried to come back to me. When that was unsuccessful he immediately moved in with a woman near me who is now “the greatest love he has ever known”, but continued to show up in places with her that he knew I would be and he had no real reason to be. He still doesn’t work, but he has “a brilliant invention that is going to make him rich”. (He told me he is a genius.) What is very disturbing to me, in addition to everything else, was that I discovered that he is on a web site where he describes himself as bi-sexual, although he never disclosed that. What he is exclusively looking for are transvestites and transgenders. I later found that my computer was infected with porn sites of “shemales”. I cannot process any of this. Can you offer any insights? I cannot seem to get over this.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I think the sexual issue here is confusing you, as though that might have had something to do with your relationship with him. In truth, it has nothing to do with his past or current relationships. You have described a classic Loser — a con-artist and social parasite. At 48 years old he has nothing and lives off the lifestyle of others. He moves from victim to victim, providing himself a place to live, stealing their money, gathering additional possessions (although only small items — furniture doesn’t fit the lifestyle), and constantly seeking the next victim while bleeding the current victim. These individuals often appear on multiple websites in a variety of fake identities — bi-sexual, widower, “sensitive guy looking for sensitive gal”, etc. He’s not bi-sexual, he’s quarter-sexual — he’ll do anything for money! He’s basically setting traps to see who bites. If someone with more money bites, he dumps his current victim and moves on quickly, as you’ve observed. Part of his “con” is the I’m-a-genius routine. Others use the I’m-Due-An-Inheritance or the famous I’m-Working-Undercover. We have an individual in our region who claims to be filthy rich and is currently driving a beat-up automobile as part of a “sting” operation for the CIA. He also doesn’t work because employment would ruin “his cover”.

Why does he keep showing up? He views his lifestyle as a multi-player game and he is the gamemaster. You have been placed on “back burner” and he will continue to contact you in the future, checking to see if you’re still on the hook. He may need you in a pinch for additional money or a place to live until he locates his next victim.

His behavior is difficult to process because it’s so far outside the normal, healthy range of human experience. These Losers only appear to think like normal people do, they are actually totally selfish and narcissistic. They have almost no boundaries of any kind and pride themselves in their ability to con, manipulate, and live by their wits. He feels he can play any role needed — loving boyfriend to “looking for a transgender” individual. You’ll notice that in each relationship, his behavior remains the same — fast warmup, move in, bleeding finances, blaming the victim, abusiveness, then departure to the next victim. He approaches the line of criminal behavior in many of his cons.

I’d recommend recognizing that for a brief time you were swimming with a shark…and survived. Count your blessings…and your silverware! Stay detached and heal up from the experience.