I Feel Like A Loser Because I Want My Alcoholic Husband Back

Reader’s Question

I read the article about losers. I am afraid to ask, but am I the loser? When I think about leaving the 12 year relationship with an alcoholic who blames me for his drinking and problems, I start to panic. We have been on a roller coaster for years because of his drinking. He says he has cut down and that’s the most he will do, but I have been hurt/blamed for so many years that I have become bitter (filled with hatred) toward him. The last really big blowout between us was over a year ago (when he moved out on me for the 3rd time). And I feel like “the loser” because I always beg, plead, cry — whatever it takes — to get him to move back in. I don’t even know why I would have wanted him back last time. He was so cruel and blamed his drinking on me. Why would any sane person want to be around someone who has a drinking problem and who uses guilt/shame/blame to control the other person? Is it because I am crazy?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are not crazy…and not a loser. You are losing out on life because of this relationship however. Your abusive husband fits the signs of a “Loser” as I describe in my article. You, however, are experiencing the situation I describe in my article “Love and Stockholm Syndrome“. In an abusive situation, you can’t just leave as you’ve discovered. You must plan to leave. Abused spouses must create an Exit Plan as I describe in my articles. Some plans require a year or more to develop and involve repairing your self-esteem, arranging for support, etc.

You are not the loser…you’ve been brainwashed by 12 years of verbal blame, abuse, and intimidation. You can break free of the situation but you’ll need a plan and some outside help. Read the articles, consider counseling in the community, review your symptoms for depression (common in your situation), and make your plan. Your situation is “crazy” — not you.

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