My Husband Called Another Woman Long-Distance

Reader’s Question

My husband knows a woman who works at the local deli where he has lunch every day. He talks to her and they joke around but I never suspected that there was anything wrong with that. Recently I found out that he had called this lady at work (who is also married with a child) long distance to tell her he has killed a deer. I was checking the cell phone bill and saw a strange number. I questioned him and he said that he had the called the lady at the deli because she was giving him a hard time about killing the deer and he wanted to tell her that he had killed one just to bug her. The number on the phone bill ended up not being that of the deli; he then actually remembered that he had called her from his friend’s phone. I have become extremely suspicious about this and wonder what is really going on. He insists it was all in fun and innocent. If so why wouldn’t he have mentioned that to me before he went hunting, and why tell me when he thought that I had caught him? Am I making too much out of this, or do I have a legitimate reason to feel this way? I am distressed and really need an answer. Thank you.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not uncommon to form friendships with co-workers or others we see on a daily basis. The normal chit-chat of the day turns into an on-going relationship — then a friendship. When this happens, there is a range of friendship involved. At a low level, some folks are just friends at work. At a medium level they have contacts outside of the workplace and may email/text or call each other. At the high end of the normal friendship range they continue the friendship outside the workplace and socialize, have dinner, attend events, etc. with the individual and perhaps their spouse and family.

When these friendships develop, people are often unaware that the friendship level is increasing over time. An employee who has lunch with the same co-worker may begin to develop feelings for the co-worker and is often asked “Is something going on?” by co-workers and supervisors. In your husband’s case, a call about deer season is probably not a major issue, especially if there are no other signs that they are more than friends. In fact, he may have considered the call very “normal” in view of their daily contact and conversation. It’s like chatting with the mailman every day, then giving him a hug on his birthday. The view from across the street would look a bit odd and suspicious — you hugging the mailman — but it seems perfectly normal to you given the situation. In the same way, he would not have considered it a “big deal” or need to mention the running deer-joke to you prior to his hunting.

You have a legitimate reason to have concern because of the surprise of the event. At the same time, if you have no other signs of unusual behavior or suspicions, I’d let this pass. If your relationship with him has significantly changed over the past six months, then I’d talk to him some more about what is happening.