Rude Smoking in a Social Situation

Reader’s Question

I would like some insight on a particular situation. My father, 83, has two neighbours, Bob and Sheila. Anne is in her 60s. All are non-smokers. My father often visits them for drinks and at Christmas and New Year meals. Sometimes Joyce, Sheila’s mother, joins these meals. Once or twice, Joyce has been known to go outside to smoke, but recently her behaviour has reverted to an earlier type, in which she doesn’t feel that any consideration for others is necessary, and quickly lights up at the meal table as others are eating.

My father can’t respond to invitations with questions as to whether Joyce will be there or not. Outright refusals of invitations would be churlish. He can’t tell Joyce not to smoke if he is in Bob and Sheila’s house.

I would really appreciate some insight into Joyce’s behaviour, and any advice you would offer to my Dad.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From the ages listed, I will assume that Joyce is over 60 years old. The most likely cause of her rude behavior is age-related neurological changes. Studies tell us that smokers experience signs of dementia earlier than nonsmokers due to the reduced cerebral oxygenation over many years that’s a part of smoking. It’s likely that Joyce is losing her social sensitivity, a common early sign of neurological problems in senior citizens. If we think about it, social sensitivity is the ability to estimate how our behavior, comments, or attitude might be viewed negatively by those in our immediate surroundings. Being socially sensitive actually takes a lot of neurological processes — all of which work together to make us polite and considerate of others! Joyce’s ability to be polite and considerate may be slipping and it’s common to describe these behaviors as “reverting” to an earlier stage — the end result of this process often being a child-like state of behavior and emotions (spitting on the floor, temper tantrums, etc.).

Your father, and those around Joyce, must develop a strategy to deal with her behavior. It’s the responsibility of the hosts (Bob and Sheila) to bring this behavior to Joyce’s attention if they are willing to do so. Your father may also use other types of social contacts to maintain his friendship such as invitations to a restaurant (nonsmoking of course). If Joyce arrives, he may want to plan an early exit or go into another room. If the behavior is not bothering the hosts, your father is on his own to create a solution. He might consider inviting people to his home — using his rules. In short, your father will need to protect himself from her behavior, even if it means leaving a get-together early.

If Joyce is a younger person, this type of social insensitivity is actually rudeness and disrespect. If that’s the case, your father can ask her not to smoke in his presence due to his medical status or whatever. He can ask her to wait until others are finished eating before she lights up for example. If he reminds her of that frequently enough, she may get the hint. While your family may be socially polite, it often takes a bit of rudeness to deal with obviously rude individuals. I guess it’s the old “fight fire with fire”. I’ve found that a public recognition of rude behavior is often embarrassing enough to change the behavior.