Daughter Caught in an Abusive Relationship

Reader’s Question

My daughter (21) has chosen an abusive relationship for her first serious relationship. She has told me terrible stories of verbal abuse regarding her boyfriend and although she tells me she KNOWS it is wrong she sems to be addicted to the behavior. She will not go to a therapist any longer as the therapist told her the relationship was bad.

I don’t want to lose my daughter over this but after rescuing her from his home (a 150 mile drive for me) during a holiday, now she is allowing him to pick her up to return with him for the New Year’s celebration with promises of ‘he’s learned his lesson now”. I don’t know what to do.

How do I help my daughter?

–Loving Mom

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I’ve described your daughter’s situation, and that of your family, in my article entitled “Love and Stockholm Syndrome” — available on this website. As her first serious relationship, your daughter has invested herself in this situation. She is now emotionally and socially committed to making it work.

I’ve also described the techniques the abusive boyfriend is using in an article entitled “Identifying Losers in Relationships” — also available on this website. I would recommend that you and your daughter read both articles. CounsellingResource.com also has an extensive series of reader comments in blog posts on both articles, that describe other readers’ painful situations with Losers and Abusers — also important reading.

As I recommend in my articles, parents are encouraged to “Hold on Loosely” — monitor the situation without behaving in a manner that allows the Abuser to isolate your daughter from you. Right now, he’s telling her that he’s changed and that you and Dad are the real enemies — trying to breakup their loving romance that has a few troubles in it. In truth, he’s working toward lowering her self-esteem and isolating her from family and friends.

Your daughter and the family can survive this situation — you just need to pick the best strategy as a parent. I’ve outlined many of those strategies in my articles. You’re not alone in this situation as the comments left on the blog posts will reveal. It’s actually very common.

A Clinical Psychologist with 36 years in the field, Dr Carver is currently in practice in southern Ohio in the US. He became Consulting Psychologist with CounsellingResource.com in 2007.