I Was Very Verbally Abusive and My Wife Left

Reader’s Question

I have been married for 9 years. My wife was right out of high school. We have 4 kids, a house and two dogs. During this time she went through 4 years of school, now she has been working there for 2 years. I was very verbally abusive, and she walked out 3 month ago. I started getting counseling. For the first month and a half she was telling me she wanted a divorce; she read books on it. After that month then it was maybe, but during this she was very angry and mad at me. I understand now that I was difficult. She is starting to let up. A little earlier this week, I found out I have been suffering from adjustment disorder, throughout my life. Well I told her she is very confused. She wants to see me sometimes and others she does not; she thinks divorce will give her time to heal, but I don’t know how to handle all of this. I do want to be there for her. Sometimes we do stay together in the same house, our kids stay at the house and we switch off’ she stays at her parents’, whom she never had a very good relationship with. Her mother left her dad when she was 16 and never divorced but got back together a year later. She always said she would never get divorce for what her mom did, but she walked out anyway. I know I was never very good, but they had a falling out about 2 years ago and she did not talk to them during this time. Now this last summer they started hanging out behind my back, that was frustrating; when we did fight I was the one that brought up divorce. I never ever wanted it, now I don’t know what to do when she does kiss me, but is no longer attracted to me. Sometimes she says she loves me but is not in love with me. I know this is not the whole story, but I don’t know how to bring her back. Also, I am afraid if she goes to the wrong counselor she will leave me. She said she is confused right now but I need help on what to do, to save my marriage. She thinks everything will be better. Also when she walked out she said her job was the only place she felt like she was who she is. Then a month ago, she called my crying and I went and got her and she said she hates her job. Then last week she said she does not like work most days. I see she is having trouble yet she will not let anybody in. She stays at her parents’ and she is uncomfortable there. I do believe she may have feelings for me, because she says she likes spending time with me as long as I don’t bring us up. I am so confused.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Situations like this are confusing and highly stressful for everyone involved. If you focus on getting her back, you’ll only lose her again as she will need to protect herself from your verbal abuse. You need to focus on fixing your behavior — the verbal abuse and other behaviors that caused the separation in the first place. You should seek counseling or therapy for your behavior and hope that improvements in your behavior will be acceptable to her as she makes decisions about her future and the future of the children. Keep in mind, if you were verbally abusive to her, you were abusive to the four children as well. To make the marriage work, you’ll need to accept personal responsibility for your behavior, then try to improve yourself. Right now, while her job and living with mother are uncomfortable, she still doesn’t trust that you won’t return to your old behavior.

Verbal abuse also destroys feelings of love in a relationship. She has probably become emotionally numb. It may take warm and fuzzy feelings a long time to return…if it’s possible at all. While we can’t say the marriage can be repaired, we can remember that certain behaviors don’t work during a separation such as:

1. Don’t pressure her to make a decision,
2. Don’t make promises without showing evidence that you’re working to improve the situation,
3. Don’t use her past in discussion — like commenting about her parents or childhood, and
4. Continue to be concerned about the children as much as her. Remember that the children are stressed-out as well and may need some fatherly support.

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