My Teen Friend Has a Crush on an Adult…What Should I Do?

Reader’s Question

I know a lot of people say “I’m helping a friend” but I really am. You see, we have a lot of friends who are adults, or are our parents’ friends, but my friend really likes one of the older guys. And I admit he is atractive. I can totally see how she would like him, but he’s in his thirties and she is getting to be obsessed with him. The other day she told me she would wait the five years until she was 18 to be his girlfriend. He’ll be in his forties by then, she dosen’t even know if he will be into her when she’s 18, or even if he’ll be married. It’s just worrying me and I want to know what to do about this. She’s a really good friend. I don’t want to talk to her about it, because I fear she won’t be my friend anymore. Please help me.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Some simple math tells me your friend is about 13 years old. She has a romantic crush on a man in his 30’s. This is not unusual and tells us that her romantic feelings have developed — as they should have during teen years. Young people in their early teens often develop romantic feelings toward adult friends, teachers, actors, musicians, etc. In a way, it’s how we learn to be attracted to others and is part of our personality development. As a teenager, I know you’re tired of being told that you’ll outgrow things…but this is one of those things. As we mature in our teen years, we learn what love and romance feels like with these crushes. She will have lots of fantasies about their relationship — such as waiting until age 18 to date him. All of those are normal. The job of parents and good friends, like yourself, is to keep her safe during this period.

As her good friend, keeping her safe means making sure she doesn’t do anything that will get her in trouble. You must be the logical one in the friendship. Don’t encourage her to call him, stalk him, write him love notes, or hang out where he works. Encourage her to wait for those five years. Also encourage her to work toward being the kind of person a mature adult would want in the future. Encourage her to identify what characteristics he has that are attractive — appearance, social skills, the respect he shows others, the way he treats others, and so on. These may be features she will soon look for when she begins dating. There’s nothing wrong with having a good, mature adult example to go by. It’s OK to discuss the romantic crush with her but just don’t encourage any action on her part. Her attraction will shift to teen boys soon at which time another whole set of different fantasies will happen.

She’s very fortunate to have a good friend like yourself. You are showing a lot of maturity in trying to understand and help your good friend. As a good friend, there are many situations when our friends go through difficult times. Sometimes we provide advice, sometimes we try to keep them out of trouble, and sometimes we are just there if they need to talk. You might also discuss this issue with your parents or with a trusted adult.

This is a very adult way to approach your friend’s situation. You should be proud of yourself.