Marital Fighting While Living with Mother

Reader’s Question

My husband, my son and I are currently living with my mother! We are about to move into our own place, but frankly I’m worried. The thing is that my husband and I fight constantly. We fight so much that I’m really starting to question my love for him. I strongly believe that my husband doesn’t love me nor does he like me. I question moving with him and continuing this marriage; I feel like this marriage is only an arrangement to see our son. I think that moving to our own place would make this worse between us and just to want to kill each other. I love my husband but I really don’t know if I am in love with him and if I want to continue in this marriage? Should I even bother moving in with him?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The major issue may not be the marriage — but living with your mother. While you are very comfortable living with your mother, your husband may not be so relaxed. The fighting and difficulties in the marriage may be directly related to the stress of not having a marital home, no marital privacy, and being dependent upon your mother. Living with other people can be highly stressful, especially if we are in their home.

It’s a normal desire to want to have a place of your own and your husband is trying to make that happen. The marital conflict stems from his desire to have a home for the family, and your comfort living with Mom. You’ll need to consider several things:

1. What is the level of stress in Mom’s home now?
2. Have you and your husband ever had a place of your own and if so, how was the marriage then?
3. Does your husband not like you…or the current situation?
4. How long has the marriage been active and is this a new pattern of fighting or has this been true for years?

Talk with your husband. Discuss how life would be different in a home of your own. Keep in mind that you are now hesitant to leave your mother’s home which he may interpret as being disloyal to the marriage. Communication with your husband is the key. On the positive side, if the new family home doesn’t work out, you can always return to your mother’s.