Sight of Counselor Triggers Uncomfortable Feelings

Reader’s Question

My counselor moved away but later visited town. I accidently saw him in a restaurant. I was embarrassed and looked away. He told his friends something at his table and they all turned around and stared at me. I was too shy to say anything. Why would he do this? I feel all of our work together was worthless. I can’t forget him and feel tormented.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are creating a lot of personal distress because you feel he probably violated your confidentiality. That would be unethical on his part…and hopefully is unlikely. Feeling your confidentiality has been violated, you now feel the therapy work is worthless and have taken a negative view of him as a counselor and person. You have also created fantasies about what he said about you and how he embarrassed and humiliated you in public.

It’s actually unlikely that he did any of those things. Meetings between therapists/counselors and their clients occur frequently, especially in small towns. Therapists typically say nothing and wait for some recognition sign from the client. I’ve had clients ignore me, introduce me to their family in a restaurant, and even go out of their way to invent a story about our relationship such as “I attended a workshop he presented at the local university”. Everyone handles it differently.

In your situation, I would expect that your surprise upon seeing him was obvious in your facial expression and behavior. His friends noted your reaction and embarrassment and asked him about it. Most professionals protect confidentiality in those situations by offering an explanation of some kind — “She’s a student in one of my psychology classes” or “She’s a friend of my daughter”. The explanation then prompted them to turn around and look at you. It’s highly unlikely that he violated your confidentiality — even to the point of saying you were a previous client.

This situation does not make your therapy worthless…but it does create another interesting situation. Your treatment relationship with the counselor contains many memories — a lot of them very uncomfortable about the way you felt during the time of treatment. His presence in the restaurant triggered the return of those uncomfortable emotional memories. It’s like seeing a person from your high school years who you hated during those times. The rest of your day is full of bad high school memories.

His presence triggered “Emotional Memories” that were very uncomfortable. I would recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory on this website. It will explain the mechanism involved and how to move on from this triggering of your memories.