How Can I Help My Girlfriend Going Through a Tough Time?

Reader’s Question

My Girlfriend of 4 years is going through a tough time with some work related and family stuff. She has changed a lot lately, she cries a lot, she picks a fight with me for no reason but then she feels bad, and she is distant and when I ask her what is wrong, she talks a little bit about how she is feeling stressed but then she shuts herself off soon after. She doesn’t want to go out with me. We haven’t gone to a bar together for some time now. She says she still loves me… I know it is a tough time for her and all I want to do is to make her pain go away but she is just so distant. It sucks. Why does it feel like she is pushing me away? Can’t she see I am right here wanting to help her? Isn’t that what lovers are for? To comfort each other?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your girlfriend may be experiencing a depression. Typical symptoms include crying spells, irritability, physical discomfort, sadness, mood changes, sleep/appetite problems, and social withdrawal. Depressed folks “fade away” from their partners — they talk less, socialize less, forget to call, etc. Depressed folks also feel overwhelmed, as she must due to her family and work issues.

While you’re trying to be helpful and supportive, it may not be the right kind of help. You mention that you haven’t gone to a bar together for some time. Alcohol use and bars will only make her more depressed. Stressful, loud, crowded, and rowdy environments are more overwhelming for depressed individuals. You must provide help in other ways.

Provide her with some psychological space. Don’t ask what’s wrong…just allow her to be distant. At the same time, offer opportunities to be together in quiet, low-stress situations — a quiet dinner, home with snacks and a movie, low-pressure events. Listen but don’t offer advice…as yet. If it feels like she’s pushing you away, you may be applying too much emotional pressure. She is already “pressured” by her family and work. You need to become attractive to her because you are low-pressure. If you pressure for more contact, more intimacy, more socializing — you’ll be pushed away. Avoid any situation or comment that contains guilt. Contact her on a regular basis but only with “thinking of you” in mind — not a demand for social events.

If her depression and stress are severe, suggest that she seek professional mental health help. Offer to accompany her to the office. Recognize that this is probably the first major crisis in your four-year relationship and you’ll both need to develop a strategy to deal with it. Remember that depressed and stressed folks are overwhelmed by obligation and responsibility — so you want to be a low-demand and low-obligation part of her life — not another source of obligation.