My Boyfriend Has Been Lying to Me

Reader’s Question

I’m having love problem right now. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 4 years, but suddenly this past few months, maybe almost 1 yr and half, he’s always telling lies to me. He doesn’t even say where will he go or what time will he be at home, or is he going to his friend’s house? Nothing. He always keeps a secret, unless I find out. When I found out about those things I confront him, and ask him why does he do that? Then he says “I know you won\t allow me to go to my friend’s house and sleep there, that’s why I didn’t ask permission from you.” There’s just one time he told me that I’m too strict with him, he didn’t even have freedom? Why? Is there something wrong with me? I only want to know where will he be? And since the last time we quarelled, I think I don’t trust him anymore. I only have a feeling that he will fool me again…and I don’t want this feeling. It hurts me a lot. I’m thinking things that I don’t know whether they are true or not. Please help me. I think I really need a psychiatrist.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your relationship with your boyfriend is changing…and it’s not improving. In good relationships, trust improves over time and people become closer. Your boyfriend is becoming more independent and separated from you at this time. Relationships make partners feel obligated to each other and sometimes that feels like control. I feel I should tell my wife where I’m going and when I’ll be back — but that’s not being controlled. I tell her out of concern for her and out of courtesy. People who feel they are being controlled in a relationship often feel the relationship is controlling them. Your boyfriend is now lying, not showing you courtesy, and moving toward his friends and away from you. You need to have a discussion about how the relationship is changing. He may want more freedom and if so, you may need to decide if that’s acceptable to you. The changes he wants to make may be unacceptable or unfair to you and if that’s the case, the romance may be slowly drawing to a close. While the end of the relationship is miserable, it’s not as miserable as being in a relationship where your partner is dishonest, disrespectful, and shows no concern for your feelings.

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