I’ve Been Lying to Anyone and Everyone

Reader’s Question

I am 19 and ever since I can remember I have been lying to anyone and everyone. I don’t understand why. I lie to the ones I love and to people I hardly know. Sometimes I feel horrible and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes if I lie about a major issue I start to believe the lie in order to keep my story right. I hate it that I also lie about the stupidest things. I sometimes hurt people with my lies especially when they find out the truth. I really need help and I don’t know where to start.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Lying is one of many social strategies people can use in daily life. If asked “Did you do your assignment?” we have a variety of strategies to choose from such as honesty, lying about it, blaming others, protesting, etc. People who lie often are using this social strategy too much. Frequent lying can be caused by several factors:

1. People most often lie to avoid the consequences of their behavior or avoid punishment. We lie to get out of trouble.
2. Some people lie due to modeling — their parents or those around them lie frequently.
3. Some people lie by reflex. In this situation, lying has become a habit and the normal response to any social situation.
4. Some folks lie due to low self-esteem or self-confidence. They tell lies about their accomplishments or add extra adventure to their stories.
5. A percentage of the population lies because they are con-artists and manipulators. They want to control those around them and the outcome of situations in their favor. These individuals are often considered personality disorders, especially Antisocial Personality or criminals. I’m reminded of a documentary I saw of police apprehending a car thief behind the wheel of a stolen car. The thief’s automatic first words were “I’m not drivin’”.
6. Lying is also used to gain attention from others. People who spread rumors and lies often like the attention it provides.

If we think about lying, it’s a selfish act and selfish strategy. The dishonesty associated with lying — for whatever reason — makes it a maladaptive and bad social strategy. Lying about stupid things tells me you are probably lying out of habit or reflex — perhaps due to immaturity or a need for social attention. At the age of 19, it’s time to drop lying as your main social approach to others and work on improving your honesty. While it may seem that honest people are somewhat boring or uninteresting — they always have friends who trust them, talk to them, and believe what they say. People who lie will never have true friendships and will constantly find their lives in turmoil due to the confusion of lies. A life in this type of turmoil doesn’t progress much and you’ll find you can’t keep friends, partners, jobs, or even relatives. Those who lie the most — antisocial and criminal personalities — are always alone in life.

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