I Don’t Form Relationships With Women I Truly Want to Date

Reader’s Question

Dear Doctor, Synopsis of problem: I do not form relationships with women I truly want to date easily, although I’ve had some striking exceptions to the rule.

Synopsis of symptoms: I feel myself uneasy and unnatural around attractive women whom I’d like to date. I find myself seeing my interactions with them in a negative light as default and must make a conscious effort if I want to think positively about them (interactions, women).

Data: I’ve had a hard time making friends since early childhood. I’ve always had some, although mostly it was only a few friends. I was timid and beaten up often. Since mid-HS, I’ve grown bigger, stronger and more confident. I’m 25 now, attractive, tall, and reasonably athletic. I’ve finished grad school and although I’m not making bank now, I’m setting up a strong foundation in owning my own business. (As in, I’m not a timid loser kid anymore). I socialize easily with most people.

Still, I catch myself being in a love-hate relationship with the women I want to date. I’ve had about 40 partners, although most were average-looking at best (a compromise between not seeing myself as an unwanted loser while still not getting what I truly want). I generally socialize easily although people rarely call me and invite me places, save for a few close friends.

My problem is that I yearn for the love of healthy, attractive women, yet I feel a total guardedness against them. I can ask one out and be turned down, and feel like “I knew it, they all hate me.” Next time, I’ll ask a random gorgeous girl at a mall and she’ll agree, and I’ll feel healthy and happy. (True stories). I feel that I’m setting myself up for failure, although I don’t know (and I think it’s important): how much of my failure is my own issues and how much of it is my unsexiness to them.

I’ve decided to ask you because I think it’s solvable, but I’ve had this going on for many years and I am sick of this unhealthy relationship, that’s mostly playing out in my own head! Please help; the time you take now may have huge ramifications in my life.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s very solvable. Probably due to your early years, you are now placing your sense of self-worth on the line each time you approach an attractive woman. It’s like betting your house payment each time you play a Blackjack hand — it’s too tense to be fun when you put too much on the line. Like the organized manner in which you arrange your email question (Symptoms, Data), you are making each contact a decision-tree procedure: she likes me I’m OK, she rejects me I’m worthless. You may still have Emotional Memory from teen years (see article on this website) that influence your confidence with women.

I also suspect you may be dealing with some issues regarding fantasy, idolization, or immaturity. That passion for the love of a healthy, attractive woman by definition ignores “who” the woman actually is in real life. There is little correlation between attractiveness and IQ, personality, emotional warmth, etc. You are currently attracted to superficial aspects. Healthy and attractive appearance may have little to do with the personality of the women. That personality will determine issues related to love, the quality and the longevity of the relationship. In short, you may be looking for a reliable car based on the color. If you seek external validation based on the response of attractive women — you’ll always be miserable. Other folks always have their own lives, interests, qualities they look for, current relationships, etc. that have nothing to do with your sexiness, attractiveness, etc. It’s not simply a matter of they say “yes” or “no” by reason of your attractivenss to them.

I would recommend counseling with a professional to sort out these issues. You may not be forming these desired relationships because you are not allowing for other factors, perhaps overthinking the issue. Dating and relationships are an adventure, not a decision tree or machine code program.