Newly-Discovered Daughter is Now Rejecting Me

Reader’s Question

I’m (name withheld, male) and 59 years old. This past March I found my daughter after searching for her for 29 years. We’ve never seen each other. She was the result of an affair in the late seventies while her mother was separated and had filed for divorce from her then husband. Her mother and I had plans on marrying once the divorce was final but she met another man, fell in love, and married him instead. Before she did so she called me and offered up a dear John talk and told me she was pregnant. She moved away, as I later learned, across the country and so I had lost all contact for almost 30 years until an internet search found her and led me to my daughter who is now married with 3 children. I was now an instant grandfather. We planned on a grand reuniting; however, my overwhelming joy was short lived.

She learned that I do ‘live modeling’ for art classes for extra money and told me that this was strange and totally unacceptable behavior. She broke off all contact. She claimed it was a moral issue to her. Her husband was equally harsh. There was no middle ground with him. I couldn’t reason with him and he told me that all contact must end and no contact with the grandchildren as well. They are both deeply religious and that fueled bitter feelings on both sides. What was to be a warm and loving father/daughter relationship has now blown up like a hydrogen bomb. My daughter and her husband blame me for this destruction of her happiness. I see it as just the other way. Still I love my daughter and sent her a diamond braclet and matching white gold earrings for her birthday.

I never got a thank you. Only dead silence. I just sent her money for her and the children for Christmas. I’m not looking for anything in return, only to let her know I care for her and the kids. My question to you is: where do I go from here? Is this futile? Am I fooling myself in thinking that some day things will change? My daughter is now 29.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When you mention the presence of a warm and loving father/daughter relationship, there was a significant amount of fantasy in that relationship — perhaps on both sides. Actual face-to-face contact time was very limited by your description. While these reunions bloom on the Internet, the reality can be very different. You had certain expectations for your newly-discovered family and grandchildren and they had fantasy-based expectations regarding the newly-found grandfather. It sounds like both of you were disappointed. You’re not the grey-haired grandpa they see in the movies and on television and they’re not the warm and loving new family that accepts you with open arms and no judgments or prejudice. You and the new family may be on opposite ends of the social acceptance and tolerance scale.

What to do? I’ve written some guidelines on how to maintain contact with a person (in this case a family) when there is hostility, rejection, or conflict. I recommend a “Hold On Loosely” strategy outlined in my article entitled Love and Stockholm Syndrome, available on this website. In sort, keep a safe distance. No gifts, but appropriate cards on normal holidays. No pressure but a message that you are accessible and available. Right now, they are trying to figure out what to do with you — do they reject a father and grandfather from their life? Do they invite you back with restrictions? What do they really think about someone who does live modeling in college at your age? They may conclude that they want no contact — forever. Some day the situation may change but with strong opposition from both parents, it’s unlikely anytime soon. Read the article on this website and use those strategies available in your situation. They know where you are if they want to revise their position.