How Do I Deal with a Tormenting Mother?

Reader’s Question

I’m 16 years old, and I live in Canada. I am starting to think that my mother, who is 35, has a mental illness. She doesn’t have an education, she is illiterate, and she had dropped out of school in the 2nd grade. Also, her mother has identical capabilities.

She is capable of yelling for even hours, almost non stop, and her voice doesn’t become hoarse, as would a normal being’s voice. She tends to lie about anything she wants, to her own advantage. Every day she swears and yells at my father, my 3 year old brother, and me. She manipulates us, always trying to find a way to degrade our minds. She also seems to love the idea of fighting with us, both emotionally, and physically. She cusses and screams at us. Occasionally, she has mood swings. Switiching from anger, to sadness, where she starts to cry, and then switches back to her needless anger towards us. We have been trying to handle her for years now. She is starting to take a toll on my mind. She tortures us constantly, literally for hours on end, every day. My School and our household, are both in a crisis now. Because of her mental state, she doesn’t let us have a schedule for anything at home — when to sleep, eat or even speak. she interrupts us while we do, saying that we’re not listening to her, when we really are, like her swear words.

I would like to know, what kind of mental disorder does she have? I was starting to think she may be a psycopath/sociopath. I have been doing research on this matter. She does feel some guilty at times, but when she says she’s sorry, after awhile, she never really means it. She makes me feel like I can forgive her, opening up that wall she built up, but then it comes right back up again.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your mother may have limited education and limited emotional maturity as well. She fights with you and your brother as though you were her brothers and sisters. She yells and screams because she can’t verbally say what she feels when upset. She is jealous when not receiving attention and seems emotionally childish. She may have personality problems as well. Sadly, that makes you the “adult” in the relationship. Importantly, you clearly have an understanding that you mother has a problem — not you. Your problem is to survive her mothering and parenting over the next few years to the point that you can become an independent young woman and live a normal life. Your father, for whatever reason, has decided to live with her and tolerate her behavior. For this reason, he may be of little help.

You’ll need to develop ways of dealing with mother and keeping yourself sane in the situation. Remember — as adults, you will be making your own personality separate from your family. When you leave home as an adult, continue your schooling or seek employment — no one will ask you about your childhood. Keep your mind on your adult life. If your mother is a poor role model, find a good female role model in your family, school, or community. Remind yourself that she has the problems, not you. It’s worth mentioning that many very famous people have rather unsophisticated and embarrassing parents. My favorite is the mother of Sylvester Stallone (”Rocky” movie star) who several years ago called a press conference to announce that she can foretell the future for people by reading their butt — “buttology”. Having a mother like yours will not prevent you from having a successful life…it will just make the next few years more difficult.