Repairing a Marriage Following an Affair

Reader’s Question

I learned two days ago that my wife is having an affair with a man she met through her work. I confronted her about the situation, and after I provided proof that I was certain of the affair, she admitted to the affair and has been very open about sharing the details of her life and state of mind with me. She tells me she has ended the relationship, but I’m realistic enough to know that feelings are still there. I also believe, as does she, that she is in a depressed state. I love her very much and am experiencing what I believe to be the normal range of emotions for such a situation. In light of everything that has occurred I know that I want to work on our marriage and save our relationship. I believe she does also. I also believe that she didn’t get to this point all on her own and that I need to work on issues too. We know we need the help of a counselor that can help us wade through this mess. It’s Christmas time and getting an appointment with a counselor is our number one priority and is very difficult. How do I best support her until we can begin work with a professional?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you mention, about 70% of extramarital affairs occur during times of high stress or depression. You are taking the correct approach by seeking counseling to sort out what happened. As you also mentioned, there are probably a variety of factors associated with the stress level in the family so it’s best to discuss them with a neutral professional rather than rehashing them prior to seeing a counselor.

Some general guidelines prior to seeing the counselor:

1. Both make a committment to work on and improve the marriage.
2. Both agree that marital counseling is the strategy to be used.
3. Recognize that the affair may be a symptom of a larger issue such as depression, family stress, marital issues, etc.
4. Don’t ask for details about the affair.
5. Recognize that both of you will be very tense, moody, and unpredictable in your behavior. Give each other a break emotionally.
6. Don’t seek the advice of others in the community as this may create a great number of rumors and speculations that will later haunt your marriage.
7. Agree not to talk about it at length until you can discuss it with a professional.
8. Recognize that depression and stress may be playing a part in both lives. Look for signs of depression and ways to reduce marital and family stress.
9. Remember that his is a two-person equal-effort to customize and improve the marriage. 1
10. Appreciate your wife’s honesty and willingness to deal with the situation.

At this point, you are on the right track. Best wishes.

Rate this post?

(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

 Loading ...