How Do I Heal After a Bad Relationship?

Reader’s Question

I recently ended a relationship with a man I’ve been with on and off again for the past three years. We started our relationship fast by moving in together. During the first six months he had an affair with a coworker. During the course of our relationship I found out about several more. I hate to admit this but I eventually cheated. I knew during this relationship that I was not in a healthy relationship but we kept wanting to work on things to be together. During this last break-up we again attempted to make it work without success. Every time that we have attempted he will always go back to my infidelity without recognition of his own doings. It’s portrayed as if I am the one who “messed up” our relationship. After all is said and done I still miss him and think about him all the time. As I’ve started dating other people I will constantly compare them to him. I recognize we have this pattern of back and forth but this time I need it to be over. I need to experience a healthy relationship. What can I do to start and continue the healing process? Thank you for your time.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Comparisons with ex sweethearts is very common. We compare our new automobile to our previous one; our new job to our old job; etc. Several affairs, denial of his responsibility, blaming you, etc. are often indicators of a person with personality problems. You might want to read my article entitled Identifying Losers on this website. As you discovered, healthy relationships require two healthy people.

Part of the healing process also involves Emotional Memory (see article on this website). You’ve got three years of memories related to that relationship — some good and some bad. Having a good memory about something in the relationship often produces warm-fuzzy feelings that are very misleading. We remember an event, feel good about it, and then thank “Maybe it wasn’t so bad”. Wrong!! People remember funny things that happen in prison or in combat…but you don’t want to return there. To heal, recognize that comparisions are common as are mixed emotional memories. Despite those memories, remember the theme of the relationship — it didn’t work. Focus on making new emotional memories with folks you see and date. Remember that the past belongs in the past.

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