Son Becomes Extremely Angry at Times

Reader’s Question

I have a son that from time to time gets extremely angry for almost anything. Like if you question him about something he does not want to talk about or if you tell him to do something a certain way and he feels he should not have to do it that way. Most of the time he is a really good kid but at times he loses control of his anger and tends to start destroying things that belong to him or others. What can we do to help him, and is there medication that would help? At this point he believes that nothing will help and it’s everyone else’s fault, not his.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

A major factor you’ve omitted is his age. Younger children are often oppositional and angry due to their level of emotional and social development. During the “twos” isn’t the only time children are terrible in their behavior. Teenagers have difficulty with emotional control as well. A teenager experiences a variety of strong emotions but typically doesn’t have the social or verbal skills to discuss those emotions with a parent. Teens will be upset, distressed, or behaving oddly but when confronted, they can’t articulate their experience. Keep in mind parents run into the same situation. When parents are confronted by their children, parents often use “Because I said so, that’s why!” The ability to explain, articulate and discuss our feelings and behaviors is really an advanced social skill — something teens are slowly developing.

When one of these outbursts occurs, our best approach is a debriefing. After your son has settled down, calmly sit with him and discuss what just happened. Keep in mind he will still be inarticulate and have difficulty expressing himself. Try to identify triggers that cause the outburst, discuss what else might have been done, and look for ways to prevent the outbursts. Social skills are developed during the debriefing…not during the explosion. As a parent, keep in mind that children often have difficulty understanding the chain of behaviors that create a problem. Outbursts occur at the end of a chain of events such as a behavior, a confrontation by a parent, a request for an explanation, a reaction, aggressiveness on both parts, no attempt to calm the situation, and an eventual explosion. Discussing what led up to the event is often helpful. Also as a parent, being able to identify the early warning signs of an outburst-in-progress is helpful such as loud voice, pacing, red face, etc. When those surface, let your son know that you’ll talk with him again at a later time rather than when upset — this allowing him to think about his response. This also improves social communication skills and verbal articulation.

Medications are used for neurotransmitter-based disorders. Unless your son has chronic depression or ADHD features, medications are probaby not appropriate. If he’s good most of the time, medications are also unlikely to be of help.