Problems Living with My Sister

Reader’s Question

I have a family history of mental abuse from my dad’s side of the family, and overall dysfunction (alcoholism, schizophrenia, manic depression) from both sides. My father was always a bully to me, my sister, and my mom. I am the youngest at 27. I have a very limited contact with my dad, but I still have relationships with my mom & sister, both of whom I have always loved very much. My sister (who is 8 years my senior) has always acted as a surrogate mother to me. But over the past 10 years, our relationship began to change as I became an adult. I feel that she inherited a lot of my dad’s bad behavior (acting as a victim of circumstances, being extremely self-righteous, having heavy mood swings, then ulimately taking it out on those around her). My mother walks on eggshells around her and lives mostly in denial of this problem. I also walk on eggshells, but I have grown increasingly more angry with her, and ultimately don’t like being around her. She senses this, and it makes her sad and angry, but she won’t say anything. And if I were to tell her the truth, or ever suggest a possible shortcoming, she will go off the deep end. What makes things worse is that my mother and stepfather live with her, her husband, and 2 children, (she’s expecting a 3rd) and my fiance and I just moved in temporarily as well.

To say the least, it is a full house. However, these problems existed before and have kept our relationship on thin ice. I just don’t know what to do being that I feel like I’m gradually starting to hate her, because I am scared of her constantly and stressed out every time I’m around her. (My fiance is stressed too).

Thanks for listening.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

We all have our “normal” personality — whatever that is. Under times of stress, our normal personality is exaggerated. Under stress for example, greedy people become more greedy, resentful people become more resentful and bitter, and selfish people become more selfish. In the situation you describe, your sister is the one under the most stress. She’s living with her husband, 2.5 children, her mother and stepfather, and now you and your fiance. Of all in the full house, she is feeling the brunt of the responsibility and is probably overwhelmed. Whatever personality features your sister has exhibited in the past, they are now greatly amplified due to the crowded living conditions. If you review the past, those same behaviors surface each time she is under stress. Your sister has lost her privacy, her personal space, etc. — a situation that produces high stress.

It’s unlikely she’s inherited your father’s behavior. It would have been very obvious before now. What is very likely is that your sister is “stressed out” and in need of your help. She is on-edge because of the living situation, not because of you. To improve the situation, offer to work with your sister as a team. Arrange to give her breaks or sister-time away from the house. Instead of avoiding her, move in closer and ask how you can help. Avoiding her only increases her stress. Your sister is not likely becoming mentally ill — she’s becoming mentally overwhelmed. You and your fiance can be of great help by working with her to manage the current full house. In this way, when people move out and calm down, there is no lasting damage to the relationship — only a memory that things were pretty tough during the full-house times.

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