How Do I Tell My Relatives I Can’t Babysit Anymore?

Reader’s Question

How do I tell my niece and her husband that I can no longer care for their children without them hating me? I agreed to watch their first child five years ago and happily agreed to watch their second when she came along, but I’m no spring chicken and they’ve now added a third to the nest. They have told me through the years how wonderful I am and how they couldn’t imagine anyone else caring for the kids, and yes they do pay me!

I’m afraid that without a valid excuse for quitting there will be resentment that will damage our family relationship pernanently, and that would kill me because I do love their children. Please help me to bow out graciously; I just can’t bear to tell them “I don’t want to watch your children anymore.” Thank You.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The key may be “I don’t want to,” which sounds like you’re rejecting their children and the responsibility. Not being a spring chicken, I would recommend taking a position which states you “can’t” keep up with that level of activity anymore. Let them know that they need to begin a transition period to another childcare person. You have the option of telling them that you are willing to be the “backup” caregiver should the primary babysitter call off sick or be on vacation. You’ll need to emphasize that you can’t keep up the pace anymore — not that the children are such a burden. Also give them advanced warning — such as ending January 10th or something like that.

No matter what you do, they will probably be distressed. I would imagine they pay you quite a bit less than they would pay a professional babysitter so that may be an issue for them. It will also cause distress in their home as the children have difficulty adjusting to a new babysitter. Despite these concerns, you must act to protect yourself because in reality, they will continue the arrangement until you drop from exhaustion. It works for them. You must now rearrange your life so it works for you.

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