Ex-Wife Leads a Secret Life

Reader’s Question

My husband has an ex-wife who leads a secret life. We don’t care what she does, except the son is now behaving like her.

She has the son involved tightly in her life. He refers to himself as “we”. Like, “we decided…”. He is 21. When asked about who we is — it is mom and me. They trust only each other and no one else, not even the father. She has had her car “swept” for a bug, thinks we are talking about her all the time (we couldn’t care less about her), and has strict instructions to the sons, to not mention her at all. We have caught her taking pictures of us — for who knows what reason, and behaving strangely in a lot of areas.

This is the same woman that the courts told to mind her own business over personal info on me before I married. She did not listen, but sent the son in question on a hunt to call her and give my private info to her over the phone. We heard him give it, and then my identity was stolen. She interrogates the boys — who still live at home, of course, on everything we say or do. He has no problem talking about us to her.

My husband is having a hard time with a surface relationship with his son. He can’t ask about college, tuition, or anything.

The courts have called this woman’s actions “barbaric” when she dragged the boys in to testify that dad should find a different job just to keep a visitation night, rather than change the night. The courts also mentioned in writing, that they feared she would sleep with them. Yet, she got custody. The courts have mentioned they are brainwashed…in writing. This young man thinks his thoughts are his own which is alarming. We understand why the mother is the way she is — she was abandoned by the parents and left on her own…well, she thought one was a parent who wasn’t. She ended up sleeping with the real dad when she found him. Big question: why is the trustworthy dad not trusted, and the mother, who the son admits lies more than anyone he has ever seen, trusted? How can there be a relationship when the person is a “we”?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From your description — searching for bug devices and other forms of paranoia — she has some significant mental health issues. The son is now incorporated into her fantasies, behaviors, and even possible delusions. When this happens, the son develops a type of “Stockholm Syndrome” as I describe in an article on this website. He will not only join her in the “we”, but defend her actions and actually view things from her perspective! As you’ve witnessed first-hand, this creates a very difficult situation.

I would use the strategies I’ve outlined in my Stockholm Syndrome article. I recommend keeping a safe distance, yet maintaining regular non-threatening contacts with the son. As he continues his college, he may gradually break away from toxic Mother but for right now, he feels he needs her support.

A crisis period is just around the corner however. The “we” is what his Mother lives for…sharing her paranoia and brainwashing with her son — keeping him under her control. At some level, he clearly realizes that if he tries to leave the “we” relationship, as grown children tend to separate from their parents — Mother will have a severe reaction of some kind. It’s hard to be paranoid by yourself…if there’s no action, no conflicts, etc. The son realizes that he if leaves — he will become the enemy and the subject of her paranoia and hostility. He may not be ready for such a move yet, although it will be reassuring that he knows you and Dad are politely waiting in the background to help. As I mention in my article — Hold on Loosely.