Brother Has Stockholm Syndrome in his Marriage

Reader’s Question

I am more than ever convinced that my brother is Stockholmed from his narcissist wife of 20+ years. He is not the person I used to know at all. She is a narcissist for certain, very evil and destructive…she isolates him, manipulates him, has caused his financial ruin, and keeps the children away from him if he doesn’t do exactly as she says. The children are his heart. He has become a robot, seemingly miserable and you look in his eyes and see darkness. He acts hypnotized, ready to jump when she says so…with an obvious fear of something drastic if he doesn’t.

I realize for him to be helped, it would require professional mental health rehab…but how, after 20+ years, can you make him see he is not living in normal circumstances, he is abused, and he is enabling his own demise and that of their children, if he doesn’t break away from the evil power she possesses? Doesn’t he have to realize that first? Most of the family has tried everything we know how to do. I’ve been soft, and I’ve been hard! I’ve told him that he has Stockholm Syndrome, that he is abused, and that he doesn’t have to live this way! She stays at home and does nothing, he does all the kid running around, baths, dinners, all…and he works 12-14 hours a day! She contributes nothing…not even cleaning house…she calls him constantly at work to make sure she knows exactly what he’s doing, and who he’s doing it with…often making him leave his important executive position to do an errand or two for her! She is not at all disabled. But she is a narcissist, and his life seems so imprisoned. He’ll tell you he’s unhappy…but if you offer solutions, he’ll change the subject. He is a scared, spineless coward, and he used to be a funny, ambitious, wonderful man! He is on the brink of losing his job, and I fear that if he does, she will soon be cashing in on a life insurance policy, and laughing all the way to the bank!

It’s so obvious she doesn’t love him, and that she’s not capable of love…even with her own children.

I’ve studied hard to determine her mental diagnosis, which is borderline personality disorder. How can I make him see what he doesn’t see? How can I help him, before it’s too late?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you describe, your brother is an intelligent individual who is married to a personality disorder. He is probably painfully aware of his situation but has made a decision to stay — probably for the children or in response to her threats to keep the children from him. People with personality disorders, as I’ve described in my article Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website, have few boundaries and control others with intimidation, threats, severe guilt, etc. They verbally abuse you yet threaten to kill themselves in front of the children if you don’t meet their selfish demands.

As I describe in my article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome (on this website), the family must develop a support-at-a-distance strategy. Maintain regular yet nonthreatening contact with your brother, allowing him to know the family is still nearby and available if he needs help. While he is in this marital prison, he may get a chance to escape. If that happens, he needs to know the family will help immediately with no questions asked. Over the years, opportunities may surface that allow him to escape. If he loses his job for example, his wife may find his unemployment too inconvenient and leave. We can always count on a personality disorder to make decisions based on what they need rather than what the spouse or family needs. If that happens, your brother will be returned but he’ll be battered and bruised emotionally — requiring mental health support and treatment. Continue to hover over your brother and the children as a guardian angel.