How Can I Help My Sister’s Daughter?

Reader’s Question

My sister’s 11 yr old daughter is a tomboy and has been so ever since I can remember. She has a very low self esteem and although I’ve never seen her with any friends, she talks about playing soccer with boys at her school. She refuses to wear any girls’ clothing and cuts her hair short. She doesn’t talk much, but when she does, it is always about money, soccer and music. There is a possibility that she might have been molested when she was still very young. Both her parents (not living together any more) wanted a boy and apparently her father sometimes called her “daddy’s boy”.

Her father is mostly away from home, and when he returns, he usually buys her anything she wants, instead of spending some quality time with her. He is also an alcoholic and drug user. She lives with her mother who not only struggles to feed her and her two sisters, but also opened her home to single mothers and their children ranging from newborn to 16 yrs. She has no privacy of her own and has to share her living space with about 8 other children from different cultures. It looks as if she might be embarrassed about the state of their home and it doesn’t help that her father pays for her to go to a private school with rich kids. She is a sweet child, but I’m worried about her. She seems very lonely and doesn’t look as if she knows how to make friends. What can I do?

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What you’ve described doesn’t suggest a pattern of sexual molestation. The child’s behavior does suggest that she is trying to survive a difficult childhood environment and situation. She has developed strategies that bring her attention — even if it means being called “daddy’s boy”. Her strategy to be with peers involves soccer which is a positive strategy if we think about it. She may be trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

What can you do? You might be able to provide another role model. Her mother is probably too overwhelmed to provide quality motherly attention to her daughter. You might volunteer to take her shopping, teach her cooking, or provide her with special time. Many adults credit the influence of an aunt or uncle in their life as a source of emotional and social stability. By making her your “adopted daughter” you can provide a positive adult influence that may be missing at this time. From your description, it sounds like she is struggling in a positive direction. Your involvement in her life may be of great help. Keep in might that you don’t need to be a therapist — just a loving adult who spends time with her and supports her efforts to make her life better.