How Do I Leave An Abusive Father?

Reader’s Question

I am a 25 year old female writing to you from overseas. I am an only child. I grew up with an abusive father and to this day still can’t get away from him. He is abusive mentally, verbally and abusive to me and to everyone that has come into my life. He has managed to destroy every relationship I’ve had and he lives off of my fear. His goal in life is to make me fear him. I still live at home. I’ve tried numerous times to leave but my father won’t allow it. Every time I leave he goes out looking for me. He even threatens people if he can’t find me. I can’t run anyplace because everywere I go he ends up finding me and bringing me back home. He calls me names all the time and makes fun of me. He tells me every day that in all my life the only thing I will ever do is fear him. And he reminds me every day that he will destroy me in every way he can. I am very scared of this man. When I walk in the house I never know how he will be. He is like an explosion. Because of this man I have no friends, no self esteem, no life. He is controlling and demanding. He scares the hell out of me and I don’t know what to do.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As an only child, he may be fearful that if you leave he’ll be totally alone. Men like that don’t have friends. He probably views every relationship you have as a threat — fearing you will leave. I would imagine that you do the housework, laundry, cooking, etc. He has no replacement for you and is willing to sacrifice your life for his selfishness.

It’s best to leave a situation like this with what I call an “exit plan”. Take an inventory of your resources — relatives outside the home, anyone who would take you in and support you for awhile, etc. If you are working, start saving some money for an exit plan. Look at the resources in your area.

As uncomfortable as it is, your father is engaging in criminal acts to keep you at home. He is threatening others, “taking” you home which is kidnapping in the US, and mentally abusing you. Do you have abuse shelters in your area? You may eventually need to file legal charges against him so you may want to contact local legal authorities to see how such matters are handled in your country. Some countries are very supportive and others not so supportive.

As for handling the situation right now, I’d recommend reading my article on Identifying Losers on this website. It offers ways of detaching from abusive partners or in your case, parents. Obviously, this is a father who considers his needs more important than the needs of his daughter. For this reason, you will need to plan an exit as he is unlikely to change his behavior unless made to do so by the law and court system.