How Do I Help My Depressed Boyfriend?

Reader’s Question

My question is actually about my boyfriend. I’m afraid that he’s suffering from depression, and whenever someone tries to talk to him about it he gets mad and won’t listen. I say that I think he’s suffering from depression because I’ve noticed that he doesn’t have any motivation anymore. He’s missed work for the past three days without calling in because he says he’s sick. First it was nausea, then a migraine, and for some reason I just don’t think he’s really sick in that way. Mainly because when I get home from work he seems fine, but it’s also more than that. He doesn’t have motivation to do anything except lie in bed and watch TV, and he doesn’t want to talk to anyone — it’s like he’s shutting the world out. After I started noticing all of this I decided to talk to his mother about it and she tells me that she’s tried to talk to him about it before, but he won’t listen to anyone. He also has a family history of depression on his mother’s side.

I’m worried that it could get worse and all I want to do is get him to at least talk to a doctor about it. His mother seems somewhat dependent on pills, any time that she gets into a rut she starts taking pain killers and stuff to help her sleep. I know from the things that he has said to me that it had an effect on him and I think that might have something to do with him not wanting to face it. He doesn’t like to take pills unless he knows that he will see a noticeable difference, and his mother says that he had gone to the doctor before and was put on antidepressants but after a week stopped taking them. Now after all of that, I was wondering if you had any advice on how to talk to him about it and maybe convince him that talking to a doctor would be a good idea?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

His experience with antidepressants could have been predicted. It’s called non-compliance. Many medications are fast-acting, such as most pain killers, anxiety reducers, etc. Antidepressants slowly build up in the system and it typically requires four to six weeks for them to reach effectiveness. Over the years I’ve seen many folks who use antidepressant medications incorrectly — some for a week then quit — some taking it like a pain pill only when needed. In both ways, the medication will have no effect. With a family history of depression, it’s likely that he’s experiencing a depression as well, especially based on your description. Adults with depression often “fade away”, from jobs, from relationships, and from life. As you observed, they begin calling in sick at work, then just stop calling in at all. You’ll notice that depressed partners also stop talking, stop relating with you, and hide out in the bedroom or with the TV/videogame.

Continue to discuss seeing a physician with him. Volunteer to accompany him if needed. You can obtain some success by focusing on the miserable symptoms of depression such as fatigue, aches/pains, sleep problems, poor concentration, etc. Folks who won’t see a physician for crying spells will often see one for insomnia. I’d also recommend printing some depression information for him. This website has information and I have a handout on my website at www.drjoecarver.com that discusses how depression looks in a relationship. It’s called Understanding Depression.

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