Separated and Place on Probation. What Do I Do?

Reader’s Question

I am a 37 year old male recently separated from my wife of 5 years; we have had problems since this past summer. She has told me she is unhappy and does not love me the way she used too because of years of my not helping her with our three kids and the house chores and of my taking her for granted and disrespecting her in front of her mom. We have been separated for 12 days now and when I left she said she wanted to get back with a clean slate but did not give me any time table and she acts really nonchalant about the situation she said she needs time to see what she wants. How do I handle the situation? It’s driving me crazy. I want to be with her and have already changed for the better. PLEASE HELP!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Wife of five years, three children, and you’re not helping. There’s a good chance she is emotionally exhausted and even depressed. It’s likely that you’ve been placed on probation to see if you’re capable of changing — not only in your behavior but in your understanding of the situation. A change in your behavior won’t improve this situation. You can make a teenager wash his car by threatening him/her — but what you need is that they understand the need to wash the car, take care of their possessions, and help the family with chores. To keep your wife you need to demonstrate a change in your understanding of her immense pressures, responsibilities, and obligations. Keep in mind, if you’re not helping — she’s caring for four children.

Disrespecting her in front of her mother is likely the tip of the iceberg. I’d bet you’ve not only disrespected her, but not respected her contribution to your life. She’s feeling taken totally for granted. You’ll need to acknowledge that you two are partners in life — it’s the two of you against the world so to speak. You must operate as a mutually-supportive team in all situations, including the presence of relatives.

Marital counseling would be helpful. If you’re 37 y/o and just now have three very young children, I would imagine that you’ve lived independently to the point that you may not know how to acknowledge her contributions or act as a team player. I bet she would describe you as living your own lifestyle independent of the family. If so, that behavior will cost you your marriage.

Sit with her and ask her how to customize your behavior and the marriage. Remember…this is your partner in life. It’s not a pride issue, not a competition, and not something to be sensitive about. It’s something to fix.