All-or-Nothing Personality

Reader’s Question

I have known for some time now that I have a very “all or nothing” personality when it comes to many things in life. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now, long distance for a majority of that time. For the past four years I’ve been seeing my all or nothingness in a huge way in the area of physical fitness. I’ll either be obsessed with it or be completely unhealthy. My girlfriend recently told me that I need to try to find a happy medium, and that she wishes I weren’t so all or nothing with her as well, because it makes it harder on myself when we are apart for months at a time. She feels I can be too clingy. So I guess my question is, why can’t I seem to understand the concept of a happy medium? It feels so foreign to me. I kind of feel like, what’s the point in doing anything if you aren’t going to do it to the best of your ability? As far as the fitness aspect, I feel that would make me nothing more than mediocre to adopt that mentality, and in our relationship; she’s saying that I should only love her some of the time and not care about her so much. Is there a way for me to change my entire mindset about life, or am I going to be stuck with the blessing/curse of the all or nothing personality forever?

Psychologist’s Reply

The major problem with an all-or-nothing personality is situations in life rarely fit that “switch” criteria. Almost everything in life is within a range. We do have a few things that are all-or-nothing such as death and pregnancy. You either are…or you are not. Even being “near death” is not death.

You may have features of what we consider Obsessive Compulsive Personality — an individual who is very orderly, organized, obsessed at times, and preoccupied with an intolerance for the “grey areas” in life. The negative side of this type of personality is very intrusive in your life and especially to romance. It makes all those emotions “not make sense”. An additional issue is that thinking of it as being OC is better than how it plays out, which is hypercritical. This personality is found in people who are hypercritical of themselves as in your comment “I feel that would make me nothing more than mediocre”. Those around you would also take your behavior personally, as though you would be viewing their behavior with the same hypercritical eye.

In short, this is more of a curse than a blessing. It’s likely you had a model for this in your upbringing. I’d research OCP to see if you fit that criteria. I’d also considering counseling in an effort to “lighten up” your life. Only death and pregnancy work on an all-or-nothing criteria. All other situations enjoy the grey.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Originally published by on and last reviewed or updated by on .

Ask the Psychologist provides direct access to qualified clinical psychologists ready to answer your questions. It is overseen by the same international advisory board of distinguished academic faculty and mental health professionals — with decades of clinical and research experience in the US, UK and Europe — that delivers CounsellingResource.com, providing peer-reviewed mental health information you can trust. Our material is not intended as a substitute for direct consultation with a qualified mental health professional. CounsellingResource.com is accredited by the Health on the Net Foundation.

Copyright © 2024.