Must I Still Obey a Controlling Parent While in College?

Reader’s Question

I am a 21 year old female, with a demading and difficult stepfather. I will be moving into a dorm on campus to experience the college life. Being a little far behind other college students, I find this as my chance to catch up and get some work done since it is nearly impossible to do it at home. Just recently, my stepfather told me that while living at college, I am not allowed to have my boyfriend that I’ve had for over a year sleepover at my dorm. I found this very upsetting and began to fight with him. Just a side note, my parents do not pay for college: I pay for every penny and then some. The main issue I have is that I am 21, and I will be moving on campus to have independence. This is not the only issue I have with him: he is very controlling and just loves to tell me what to do, from wearing NO makeup, to telling me what to eat, and that I have to clean up after him. It is my chance to move out and worry about myself. Am I wrong for not wanting to be told what to do anymore? I will not be living under his roof, so does he have the right to still tell me what to do when I am miles away? Please help!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

People who are controllers tell others what to do and how to live. Your age or where you live doesn’t matter to him. His personality makes him feel entitled, if not obligated, to tell you what to do and how to do it. This behavior has nothing to do with you as a person. It’s a personality type. That same sense of entitlement possessed by controllers also makes them feel entitled to have others wait on them hand and foot, clean up after them, and treat them like a King in the house.

At your age of 21, independent, and a college student — he will still tell you what to do. That’s what a controller does for a living. However, as an adult it becomes a stepfather’s comment, not a command. You have the right not to take his advice and to live your life as you see appropriate. While living on campus, you have the right to create a new lifestyle for yourself, although like most young adults, I’d keep the details of your adult life private. Some other considerations:

• Being in a controlled home often prompts young adults to go to the other extreme once they become independent. As a form of rebellion, you may find yourself wearing too much makeup, staying out too late, spending too much time with your boyfriend, etc. for example. This is one reason 30 percent of the freshman class in college don’t return the second year. Being an adult requires self-discipline and self-control, so be careful.
• While you may develop your own lifestyle as an independent young woman, when you return to your home (for holidays for example) you will find yourself in “his home”. He will expect that you follow your previous rules — no makeup, etc. If you don’t, he will feel entitled to make a big scene about it.
• As adults, we often accept and even obey the “rules” provided by our parents out of courtesy and respect. If parents object to alcohol, for example, their children may use a no-alcohol rule when parents are invited to their home. Some cigarette smokers don’t smoke in front of their parents — that kind of thing.
• In family situations, young adults often feel it’s necessary to confront a controlling parent with their new independence and new self-confidence as an adult. It’s helpful to remember that creating a scene has little impact on the controller — controllers really don’t care what you think anyway — but it can be emotionally stressful for those witnessing the confrontation, like your mother.

Even as an adult, parents and older adults will tell you what to do, offer recommendations, give advice, and tell you about life. It’s helpful to view that behavior as an attempt to positively contribute to your life. Offering help and suggestions makes them feel helpful. Accept most advice with a smile and appreciation — later deciding if it makes sense for your new lifestyle.

In my clinical experience, people who proudly boast “Nobody tells me what to do” are sleeping in a cardboard box under a bridge. Don’t let your controlling stepfather make you hostile toward all advice, suggestions, or even comments that begin with “here’s what you need to do” in the future. Enjoy college.