Should I Try to Fix a Fading Relationship?

Reader’s Question

I will like to please, have a different perspective to my heart dilemma. It is for about 3 years and a half that I am with a very good hearted man, he is sensitive and treats me really well, a true gentleman whom I truly love. In the beginning he used to be more in love with me, this is how I feel now that I confront his behaviour of back then and now, his words have always been the same, always declaring of a true and serious forever love. Unfortunately we live in different countries, started our relationship on the distance always with the intentions to find a solution to be together. In the meantime he would come and spend some time with me every year, call me everyday, letters every week, and emails every other day as I will do too.

The problems are two, one his family who in the beginning approved of us and wanted me for him, now are opposed to us because he might move to another country. Also main concern for them is money, they feel perhaps I am taking away from them him and therefore have not treated me very nice especially his sister. I have always tried to make myself be known to them, by being educated and polite, writing, letting them know me without replies from them, all in vain. The other problem is last year he was confused: he said he loved me, and wanted to be with me but couldn’t live with my life choices and liked his comfort back in his country where he felt content and here with me he was not happy. He is happy with me — but not in my world, this is what he said.

All this confusion supposedly now has changed after he came and visited. Now we are apart again, this time with the true intentions from him to come back and stay here with me for good in a few weeks. My other problem is that his intentions and actions usually do not correspond.

My doubts on his intentions arise when I see him getting too comfortable. Every year he leaves he has all this good intention, and plans to make us real, then he gets too comfortable and does nothing to make them true — says to await a miracle, but when he is back home with his family he changes. He has broken so many promises and I have always tred to understand him and help him, I don’t want anyone against their will with me, but I wish he was sincere with actions too. When we need to talk about his family and us, the things they do to me for no reason that are not right, his feelings about this unwanted situation created between them and I, in other words for him to open to me, he usually avoids it, or says he feels tired or asks me what can he do about it. Making me feel left out not only by his family but also by him as he says I am part of his world… I tell him it’s only him and me, but the problem is they keep putting us one against the other, putting fears and worries to him about us, telling him what to do or not. He says he does not care, that he loves me and follows his heart now, but I feel him acting distant and cold. On the net he has some community ads where he appears single, looking for serious relationships, dates. When I confronted him with it he said he wrote it when we were upset but recently he updated it but did not change that info. We could have more time together on the net chatting but he chooses not to and prefers the now daily 7 minutes phone call when it used to be 40 minutes. Are these actions of a man in love? It may sound silly things but what in the distance makes one person understand if the other truly cares about them or not? It’s about how much truly they miss, need, want, love you, if they are willing to spend some time of their day with you without feeling sacrifice, and share all with you without you making them do so.

Now I usually feel to sacrifice more and do more for my partners, in the beginning I feel they do reply back but then they take me for granted. I try to talk to them and explain my needs, insecurities but they usually feel attacked and respond on the defensive. I try to always respect, and be educated with everyone trying to always be my best, improving especially in relationships, for I feel it is a daily commitment that needs care, attention, with actions and words. I am a serious person, do not like to play games and always put the cards clear on the table, I have defects like everyone and virtues, all I want to know is if it’s enough, why I keep trying and believing…

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You have been involved in a partial, or five-percent relationship that involves limited physical experience, phone and email contacts, and lots of promises. It’s easy for both people in a five-percent relationship to appear good-hearted, loving, kind, etc. due to the very limited time involved. In fact, using those email and phone contacts, we often create a fantasy relationship which is much better than it would have been in real life — if the partner visited on a daily basis.

I would also agree that your relationship with him is slowly fading away. His behavior tells more truth than his promises or email. He may be slowly detaching — spending less time on the phone, shortened emails, etc. He is also exploring other relationships on the internet. While it’s sad, this is a problem with limited relationships. You can’t grow flowers using the phone or email. You have to physically attend to them, nurture them, and feed their growth. Relationships are similar — they can’t grow only by email or the phone. Brief visits are wonderful, but quickly fade when the couple separates for another six months or a year.

You’ve probably been told this before, but you deserve more than a limited relationship. While this relationship may have faded away, you have learned a lot. You are now ready for a full-time relationship rather than a five-percent romance.